- What can we do when were afraid something might be true?
- What can we do when we wake up full of fear with the feeling of dread in our bellies?
- What can we do when we wake up feeling totally incompetent and we have to go to work the next day and look like we deserve our status and pay?
I found the answer to these questions last week. I was teaching a workshop for teachers called Discipline with the Brain in Mind. I love teaching this workshop, I’ve taught this all over the world, and it’s usually days of bliss.
This year I only had seven students, seven dedicated educators who are taking the time out of their lives to learn whatever they can to do a better job helping students discover the joys of learning, believe in themselves, and overcome any obstacles that come their way.
As I said, this is one of my favorite things to do, so it was with some surprise that I woke up in the middle of the night, 4 AM to be specific, and felt fear and dread.
Fear and dread? What was this? I love teaching this class! What’s this fear and dread that is attacking me and threatening to ruin one of my favorite classes? I did not want to feel fear and dread, but the truth in my body, and our body never lies, was that I was feeling fear and dread. I did not want to go to class the next day.
I had a choice to make here. Fear and dread was knocking on my door wanting to get in and I felt sure, as I was huddled in the fetal position in my bed, that it was threatening to ruin my teaching career.
Here are the choices I had at that moment:
- I could have tried to insulate myself from what was knocking on my door and not hear it. Been there, done that.
- I could have pretended I wasn’t hearing the knocking at the door, wasn’t feeling the fear and dread in the pit of my stomach, and gone to class the next day and tried harder. I’m very good at what I do, and I’m fairly confident I could have fooled everyone into thinking I was secure and competent. I would have worked myself to a frazzle, and would have known that something was wrong, though they might not have known what was wrong. I would have been pretending instead of being present.
- I could open the door and let that “horrible” truth come in and tell me what was going on. In short, I could get curious about the knocking at the door instead of trying to ignore it or pretend I am someone I’m not.
Been There, Done That
For many, many years of my life, I ignored the knocking at the door. This is why I had a chronic anxiety disorder in my 20s and into my early 30s. I was afraid of the truth, afraid that I would find that I was a disgusting human being and unworthy of being loved.
When I was about 32, I got tired of being afraid all the time and decided I would make a commitment to being a little braver every day. Whatever you practice you get good at, and I was tired of practicing being a coward. Since that fateful day almost 38 years ago, I have been getting a little braver every day.
But this getting-a-little-braver-every-day business means exactly that — getting a little braver every day. I don’t get to ever check the box that says, “You are Now Brave Enough.” Am I going to show up as I am, as I truly am, or am I going to try to hide behind some facade of competence? I answer this question regularly.
So I knew it was a good idea to open the door and get curious about what was knocking and wanting to get in. It wasn’t just one thought that wanted in, the truth of the fear and dread in my stomach. This thought was followed by a gang of negativity. They were full of urgency and conviction. They said things like “you are disappointing people.” “There is a high school teacher in your class, high school chemistry teacher, and he is not getting his needs met.” “There is an elementary school teacher in your class who should be teaching the class. She keeps looking down, and she doesn’t approve of you. You are not meeting her needs.”
And the worst accusation of all: “You don’t have enough material to fill the day. You’re going to run out of things to teach, and you’re going to look like an idiot, and people will feel they’ve wasted their time and money on you.”
Are you getting the picture? As those negative thoughts rushed, one after another, with all my fears and doubts I kept saying “Really? Tell me more.” I was curious. I invited everyone in. No lurking outside the door–everyone was invited in to say their peace and be listened to.
This process of listening and being curious didn’t take very long. And once they were all in I could tell these were all thoughts from my ego. My ego wants me to maintain an image of being competent, self-assured, wise, and full of ideas to help people enjoy their lives more and enhance their performance. All these feelings and thoughts were my ego screaming at me to be different — to be perfect, omniscient, and full of unconditional love for myself and others at all times. Does this sound like God to you? Yikes!
Here was my truth that was buried in my fear: I’m not God. I’m not perfect. I’m feeling shame about my fear that I’m not perfect.
“Ah Ha!” I thought to myself. “Gotcha!” Exposing our shame is the most important part of the process. Shame thrives in the darkness. Shed some light and curiosity on shame, and it fizzles. These ego/fear thoughts, now fully exposed, were in between me and my mission. “What is my mission?” I asked myself. That’s easy. My mission is to be of service and to walk my talk.
As soon as I was aligned with my mission again, ideas started flooding in, washing out all the ego fears, replacing them with creativity. Eureka!
Suddenly, I had the vision of acting out this story. We could become the neurotic fears knocking at the door. we could make loud banging noises to show us how our fears increase the volume if we ignore them. We could invite all these voices in, or we could show what happens when you try to cover up the door and insulate so you won’t hear the voices. We could fling ourselves at the door, trying to make the knocking stop. We could injure ourselves in dramatic ways. Fun, fun, fun!
Or we could act out what people do to try to distract themselves from the knocking at the door. We could work really hard, get really stressed, be really good, and just plain try harder. I could see us all running around like frantic rats. I could hear lots of laughter and feel the relief of freedom from denial.
“We could make a movie!” I thought to myself. I just happen to have a flip video camera in my laptop bag, and I could see us filming this video, and then I could show people how to put it on You Tube. How cool is that?
An idea that had come up in class the day before suddenly seemed to be the answer to my question, “how can I serve this high school teacher better?”
I visualized what I would say if I were this high school teacher talking to his class the first day of school. That idea led to my synthesizing an idea another teacher had brought up the day before. It was exciting and expansive and I had to get my computer and start typing up my ideas. It was 5 A.M.
I visualized going to class and confessing to my teacher students the whole story of waking up in the middle of the night full of fear and dread, hearing the knocking at the door of what I was afraid might be true, inviting that thought in and other thoughts that were with it–telling them the whole true story. I plan to go in and show up as I am, not as I think I should be.
Well, What Happened?
You can probably guess. I came in and confessed. I told these fabulous teachers the story. I cried a few times. And it was rich, juicy, and meaningful for all of us. We had a great day, and, by the way, I had way more material than I could ever cover in a day. Hot!
What Does This Have To Do with You?
What is knocking on your door? What are you afraid might be true? You might want to sit down, put on some comforting music, and write this question to yourself and see what happens. What are you afraid might be true? Are you afraid you might not be a good teacher? Are you afraid you might not be a good parent?Are you afraid you married the wrong person? Are you afraid you’re busy fooling everyone in your life? Are you afraid the best years of your life are over?
Whatever you’re afraid of you must face. You can face it now, get curious, get in touch with what your true mission is, and then let the creativity flow, or you can distract yourself with eating, busyness, self-loathing, knee-jerk giving, drugs, drink, sex, academic achievement, or career achievement.
But this I know for sure: the door needs to be opened. You can put off listening, but at some point your life is going to get all gummed up. Avoiding our fears doesn’t make them go away. Avoiding our fears just makes them get louder and more urgent. We may get sick as a way our bodies have of making us stop and listen. We may get so depressed we can’t function, as a way our bodies have of getting us to listen. We may get so many panic attacks we can hardly function, as a way our bodies have a telling us we need to listen.
I’ve done the avoiding thing and the listening thing. I highly recommend the listening thing.