Mother’s Day was last Sunday, and I’m imagining it wasn’t easy for some people because it is so easy to get it wrong.  For those of you who experienced no feelings of longing, regret, sadness, or mixed feelings, I am truly happy for you.  When our wishes are fulfillable and fulfilled, well, that’s pretty wonderful.

But for some of us, for all kinds of reasons, Mother’s Day is not easy.

Ways Mother’s Day Can Feel Bad

• If your mother is alive, you probably did something for her, but you still might feel that you didn’t do quite enough.
• If your mother has passed away, you may regret all the things you didn’t do for her while she was alive or miss her with an ache that is undiminished by the years.
• If your mother was an unhealed, vicious human being, Mothers Day is at best ambivalent and at worst a very painful reminder of the love you never received.
• If you are a mother, it’s hard not to have expectations of what your children “should” do to prove how much they love you. Maybe your children got it just right, and you feel well loved.
• But if your children didn’t get it just right, if they didn’t call at all, or they didn’t talk long enough when they did call, or they sent you something, but it was ordered from a catalog and not bought personally, or if you felt their gift was an obligation and not coming from a generous part of their hearts — oh, so many ways to get it wrong.
• And if you’re the child and you know your mother has expectations, it’s hard not to get lost in trying to meet those expectations instead of honoring your mother from the center of your heart.

So, if you are the child of a mother and the mother of a child, you’re smack dab in the middle of two powerful, possible Guilt Enhancers.

My Mommy Died an Angel

When my mother died in 2003, we had pretty much worked out the kinks in our mother/daughter love pipeline. The last week of her life was spent chanting “I love you.” I was with her those last few days, and I was able to sing for her a song I had written called, “My Mommy is an Angel.” The chorus goes like this: “My mother was an angel with inhalers and her cholesterol was too high. But my Mommy, she was an angel, and we all know that angels never die.”

My daughter is now 31 and our relationship is still vibrantly interesting.

My Mother Guilt

I did a very powerful healing over New Year’s and got in touch with my own Mothers Guilt. The four-day workshop I attended involved incredibly deep work including hypnotherapy, psychodrama, screaming, crying — intense, it was.

I healed my fear of being like my father and hurting people with my power. This healing has allowed me to step into who I am called to be in a bigger way than ever. I am very grateful.

But I also got to experience a lot of other people’s stories, stories that involved horrible parental, mother abuse. And, while I was never any such parent, I was unhealed when my children were little, and I leaked my rage upon them and their innocent hearts.

My daughter is the older of my two children, and like many older children, she got the brunt of it. I never beat her or shook her or shamed her, but I did lose control of my emotions with her and definitely yelled at her and scared her.

The first time I saw her after my healing workshop, I completely owned my misbehavior for the first time. Though I had thought I had completely owned my misbehavior with her before, I knew when I heard her say, “I don’t remember” in a tiny little girl voice, that she did in fact remember, and her body remembered absolutely.

My owning my Mothers Guilt set us both free. Our relationship has been easier and more free-flowing since our talk. I am completely grateful. Completely grateful.

Healing Hearts

Now on Mother’s Day, since my mom is dead, I don’t need to worry about meeting her expectations or mine. The gift I give my children on Mother’s Day is that I honor all mothers  and mothering in my heart.

I honor myself and all other mothers ,past, present, and future.   I hold my mother, myself, my daughter, who now has baby fever, and my son’s not yet discovered future wife, in my heart. I hold all of our mothering and experience of being mothered in my heart and love it all. The fabulous mothering and the less than fabulous mothering — I hold it all in my heart.

It’s taken me a long time to get here. But I like Here plenty fine.

Blessings,

Vicki

The best therapy I’ve ever had, and I’ve had a lot of therapy, happened at the two Natural Singer workshops I attended, facilitated by Claude Stein, www.naturalsinger.com.

The workshops are for anyone who wants to learn how to sing better, from the person who thinks they “can’t carry a tune in a bucket,” to professional singers. Claude has taught at Juilliard, plays a mean piano, and is a little bit psychic. He creates miracles for everyone who attends.

I mean that.  It is an honor to be a part of this most personal reclaiming of our most personal connection with the world:  our voice.

In most of my presentations all over the world, I lead groups in a song I wrote called “Beauty Like a Rock”.  (You can check this out on my You Tube  channel http://www.youtube.com/user/vickihannahlein.)

When I’m teaching this song, I asked people how many of them are singers. A few hands go up sometimes even up to a third of the group. Sometimes no hands go up.

Then I ask the group, “If I asked a group of five-year-olds how many of them were singers, how many of them would raise their hands?” The response is always, “All of them!”

“Where did our singing go?” I ask them. “When did you lose a sense of yourself as a singer?”

I always hear stories that break my heart and make me cry. One woman said that her grandfather told her she couldn’t carry a tune in a bucket when she was four years old, and she had never sung again. She cried when she talked about this forty years later.

And just for the record, who made her grandfather God? Who made anybody God who says to anyone, “You can’t carry a tune in a bucket.” I don’t think her grandfather intended to take her singing away from her for the rest of her life and break heart, but he did. It was a power-play. Someone had shamed him this way or some other way, and he was getting back his due. Let’s forgive him and ourselves immediately, for we have all done this to ourselves and others.

Claude Stein and his magic

Everyone can sing. Everyone can sing, including you, including everyone you’ve ever seen on American Idol. With the right support, anyone can learn to match tones, which is part of what singing is about.

At the second Natural Singer workshop I attended at Breitenbush Hot Springs, a short drive from Portland, Oregon, a man for my community began the four-day workshop trying to sing Row, Row, Row Your Boat. The only way you could recognize the song was from the words because I don’t think he got one note right. He didn’t even go up where this song went up and down where this song went down.

But he was willing to get up and sing in front of over 30 people because his desire to sing was so great he was willing to look like a fool if he had to in the process of reclaiming his voice.

Claude asked him and all of us to do some wild and crazy things. We would fling our arms while singing. He had me sink into my hips and shake my booty while helping me learn how to sing like Bonnie Raitt. He even dragged a man across the floor to help him let go of his fears and get into his body.

By the end of the four-day workshop, our tone deaf friend was singing Row, Row, Row Your boat quite well. He did everything Claude asked him to do and he didn’t give up, so he learned how to sing.

But that’s not the end of the story.

This brave man came back to his hometown and joined two choirs. He sang and sang and sang. Six months after the workshop, he tried out for a musical and was cast in the chorus of Jesus Christ Superstar.

Not bad for someone who couldn’t carry a tune in a bucket.

Entertaining New Ideas

All you have to do to free yourself from limiting ideas you have cherished your whole life, is be willing to entertain a new idea. Be willing to say to yourself, “Maybe I am good at math,” or “Maybe I love technology and I’m really good at it.”

If you’re reading this and wishing you had a chance to work with Claude, I have good news for you. He is doing a workshop at Breitenbush at the end of May. Check out his website for more details. I guarantee this will be a life changing event. At least as life-changing as you let it be. www.naturalsinger.com

My Singing Epiphany

I walked into the first workshop I took with Claude thinking I had a tiny, weak voice unworthy of ever singing solo. I walked out being able to belt a song across the gymnasium with heart and soul and confidence.  I have never sounded the same since.

Whatever is holding you back doesn’t need to hold you back. If you are willing to entertain the idea that you could be free, and you’re willing to let yourself look like a fool if you have to in the process of gaining your freedom, then the sky isn’t the limit, it’s just the first floor.

Blessings,

Vicki