The Columbia River Bar Pilots were established in 1846 to ensure the safety of ships, crews and cargoes crossing the treacherous Columbia River Bar, which is recognized as one of the most dangerous and challenging navigated stretches of water in the world.
I’m following my bliss, so it is not stalking me, but it is scaring me down to my DNA.
My husband Murray and I are going to Bali in October and we plan to stay until the end of June 2012. Murray quit his job as an occupational therapist for a school district, we are renting out rooms in our house to cover our house payment, and we are going to Bali to see what happens.
My only daughter is pregnant and due in December, and we will probably not be coming back for the birth of my first grandchild. We plan on coming back in March to help her transition back to work while her husband starts his student teaching adventure. People have opinions about this choice. You might have opinions about this choice, and your choice might be different than my choice. That’s okay.
We figured out a way to finance this year of Murray not working and for us to live Bali. We’ve been working on this for two years. We have it all figured out. It’s all figured out. Boy, have we got it figured out.
Traversing the Bar
Even though we had planned this adventure, I’ve been wanting this kind of adventure for 40 years. Bali feeds our soul with its lovely people, warm weather, art, and beauty. Even though we know we are two of the luckiest people on the planet, we are still scared right down to our toenails.
What is the Problem?
When the mighty Columbia River meets the not quiet Pacific Ocean, there is a tumultuous mixing of the fresh and saltwater known as The Bar. One does not go over this bar without a great deal of thought and skill. It is a bumpy ride. Even if you timed it just exactly right, going with the tide, it’s still a rough trip.
All sorts of feelings are erupting in Murray and me. I wake up afraid, almost in the fetal position. I have to remind myself that I’ve been wanting to live in Bali since I went there in December of 2007. I have to remind myself that we figured out how to pay for it. I have to remind myself that I’m happy in Bali. I have to remind myself that Bali is a giant YES for me–I am able to contribute to others, and people are eager for my contribution.
I have to remind myself of this every day. I have to make sure I’m doing my mindfulness regime by writing, exercising, expressing gratitude, and being present in the moment. I have to be more rigorous than usual which is surprising.
Aren’t I heading off for a fabulous adventure of my choosing? Isn’t it amazing that we’ve been able to figure out a way to do this and keep our house? Are we lucky, lucky, lucky? Where is there room in this equation for fear, irritation, carping at each other, and feeling disconnected?
The room in this equation is the human place in us. I think it is the divine part of us that is calling us to Bali, and it is the human part of us that is rattling our teeth with fear. I think this is part of the adventure, like climbing to the top of the mountain, that makes the view even sweeter.
Just as caterpillars need to struggle out of the cocoon to become butterflies, when we make a big growth move, we shouldn’t be surprised if there’s a bit of struggle in there somewhere. Our beautiful wings are unfolding, but that cocoon: sure looks comfortable. In fact, Murray and I have created a gorgeous cocoon full of friends and love and beauty and activity.
What if this is a big mistake? What if we get to Bali and the friends we made all leave, and we can’t make any new friends, and the connections we’ve made to serve Bali fall part, and I can’t find my way back, and my gums start to bleed, and my left knee hurts more– the sirens of my misery are alive and well.
What’s in This for You?
Cut yourself some slack.
If you are doing something new, even if it is something you’ve chosen that you know is good for you, you might just have to go over your own Bar.
Plan for a bumpy ride.
If it doesn’t happen–great! But if you’ve got your feet tucked in, you’re looking downstream, and you have a paddle in your hand, you will do better when the bumps appear. You will find your balance, you may even enjoy the ride.
Becoming a conscious Pilot
Transversing the Bars that appear in our lives requires us to let go as we take hold. We get smarter and stronger the more we do this, and we get to have help. Sometimes we will need an expert Pilot because the transition we are making is so HUGE, the waves threaten to swamp our Life Boats.
So, if you need some help, get it. Find a support group, a buddy, or a coach. In my coaching practice, I am coming to respect the process more deeply every week. We conquer an old habit, and then it appears again in a new guise. If we have regular reflection and contemplation, we won’t be thrown back in the Sea so often.
What a marvelous adventure this living is!
Blessings,
Vicki