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Toxic Tone that Kills

May 17th, 2010

Discussed on “The Funnymooners!” Every Wednesday at 6 p.m. PDT. Click HERE to get a reminder. Here is the link to the internet radio/video station.

On Wednesday, May 12, my husband Murray and I launched our Internet radio show called The Funnymooners on Real Coaching Radio Network.  We are now international stars!

During the show, which was fraught with technological challenges by the way, Murray brought up the topic of Tone. He first used this word with me when we were just at the beginning stages of our relationship. I was messing with the stereo and having some trouble and I said something to him with a little irritation in my voice. He’d been walking down the steps, stopped, turned around and came back to the top of the steps and said, in a very friendly voice, “Are you giving me Tone?”

I take a stand for treating everyone respectfully at all times. I do not give myself permission to leak my frustration on other people with an irritating or condescending tone of voice.

So, when my sweet Murray let me know I had been speaking disrespectfully to him, I was grateful. I don’t want to get away with this behavior. I was also grateful that he gave me this feedback in such a kind manner. He made it easy for me to admit my mistake, to own my own fart, and change my behavior immediately.

I sheepishly admitted that I had been giving Tone, and then asked my question again respectfully.

What happens when you practice something?

Tone is everywhere. Parents talking to children, children talking to each other, married people talking to each other — it is a very easy habit to get into.

The more we practice talking with Tone, the better we get at it. The more we allow people to talk to us with Tone, the more this disrespectful behavior gets normalized. We get so we don’t even notice when we’re giving tone or when we are receiving it.

Tone is enormously destructive to a relationship. Most of our communication is nonverbal; that is it’s not the words we say but how we say them and what our body is doing when we say them that communicates our true meaning.

Murray and I have a deal. We have a zero tolerance policy about Tone. We don’t let one sentence escape that is carrying a load of disrespect without being challenged. We might say “Ow!” We might say, as Murray said that first time, “Are you giving me tone?”

We don’t want to get used to giving or receiving Tone. That means when we’re angry about something, we have to own our anger and speak it clearly. We don’t get to leak our anger through sarcasm, irritation, or contempt.

This is one of the main reasons our relationship works as well as it does. Let me repeat that: taking this stand against Tone creeping into her conversation keeps our communication clear, clean, and connected. If you are going to take on one habit to improve your relationship with anyone, I would recommend you take on the habit of zero tolerance for tone.

Bad Habit Swapping

If you are guilty of giving people Tone, which everyone is guilty of, and you want to stop doing that right now, here’s what you need to do:

Go to the person or persons on whom you have been leaking your occasional disrespect, or contempt upon, and tell them, “I have a bad habit that I am taking on. I have a bad habit of talking to people disrespectfully by giving them Tone. I’m going cold turkey on this habit, and I will no longer be giving anyone Tone.”

“I am not a perfect person; I am a human being. That means I will not be perfect in my recovery of giving people Tone. Here is what I would like you to do if I accidentally leak my anger on you by giving you Tone: please say “Rubber chicken.”

Why have someone say rubber chicken? Because it’s pretty hard to stay mad at someone when they’re saying rubber chicken. If someone has said something to you with tone and you turn to them smile and say rubber chicken, you get to shift everything. While you were opponents a moment before, now you’re partners who love each other and want only the best for each other.

I dare you to give this a try. I dare you to take the stand with your family, your coworkers and your partner — especially with anyone to whom you have been dropping Tone bombs, as it were.

Whatever we practice we get good at, and we are always practicing something. We are practicing being impeccable with our word, or we are practicing dumping our junk on anybody who happens to be in the vicinity.

If you want more of this kind of discussion, check out our radio show on Real Coaching Radio Network. It’s on every Wednesday at 6 PM PDT.

Blessings,

Vicki

P.S.   Uncle! The spammers have found me!  I have had to discontinue allowing comments on this blog because I’ve been getting up to thirty comments a day from spammers.  I do want to know what you are thinking about these articles, so please email me at vicki@outrageousvisions.com.

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