As I sat watching my fire this morning listening to David Lanz on Pandora radio, I was suddenly filled, completely filled, with the memory of living with my first husband and my children. We are both remarried now, very happily, and our children are grown and doing very well, thank you very much.
As much as I have tried to focus on the love of my first marriage, as deeply as I know that any resentments or bitterness or unforgiveness is a Lie, and prevents healing for the person who nourishes the Lie — as deeply as I know this, I have been unable to completely free myself of the burden of unforgiveness and resentment.
But as I listened to David Lanz this morning, I was completely filled with the loving memory of the richness and truth that was also a part of our marriage, I heard something from my core clearly for the first time: “See them clearly, love them completely. Easy.”
I’ve seen myself and many of my clients try to protect ourselves through perfectionism, judgment, and even self-hate. Our protection is misguided to be sure, but it is oh, so human.
A part of our Stone Age brain, and that is the brain we all have, wants to fight or run in order to keep us safe. Or, especially if we are female, it wants us to be beautiful, attracting those most powerful males who can keep us safe. Our attempts to protect ourselves, our perfectionism, criticism of ourselves and others, gets fed by our hard wiring. The more we practice something, the more cells our brains assign to that task. Even though worrying makes us less safe because it distracts us from the real environment we are living in, many of us worry as a means of trying to prevent the bad thing from happening.
I have come to see that the ways I protect myself often hurt me much more than they make me safe. I am ready now to see clearly those ways I try to protect myself, love them completely, and set myself free. It’s really easier than I ever could’ve imagined.
My visual disability has invited me to see the world differently. I now listen and trust senses that used to be overwritten by the details of daily life. Losing my ability to drive slowed me down. I needed slowing down. I needed to learn to ask for help. I needed to learn that receiving with grace and gratitude and humility is a great gift to the person who receives and the person who gives. It is a sacred completion, this giving and receiving cycle. When we give, give, give, give, give we are like a broken record. We are stuck in a groove that used to be music, but is now only noise.
See them clearly. I grew up in an alcoholic home. As Claudia Black says in her book It Will Never Happen to Me, the three most basic rules in a home full of addiction are: don’t talk, don’t trust, don’t feel. Don’t let yourself know what is really going on and it will be easier to not talk about it. Don’t let yourself see anything clearly. If you do, then you might have to do something about it, and anything you do is dangerous.
Since leaving my childhood home, I have spent my life learning to see clearly. Losing my vision has only helped me see things, life, more clearly. Learning to see things clearly has scared me and almost everyone I know. When I see something clearly, what do I do then?
This led me to unhelpful ways of protecting myself. Trying to be very, very good, trying to not bother people, trying to not hurt anyone ever, trying to guess what everyone needs before they know so I can give it to them so we can all be safe. All these very understandable behaviors did not keep me safe, they kept me separate.
So this morning, this dark November morning, sitting by the fire listening to the familiar, beautiful piano music of David Lanz, I was filled with the truth that dissolved the Lie I’ve been living with my entire life. I can see clearly, and still love completely, without judgment, without any need to protect myself from anything. It’s actually easy. It’s much easier, in fact, than anything else.
I want to remember this.
I now understand that the ways I protect myself often hurt me much more than they make me safe. I am ready now to see clearly those ways I try to protect myself, see them clearly and love them completely, and set myself free. It’s really easier than I ever could’ve imagined.
I am suggesting we learn to love our worrying and our other misguided attempts to protect ourselves. I’m suggesting we see our worrying for what it is, our Stone Age brain’s best attempt to keep us alive. Love this attempt completely, and then let it go. I’m suggesting this can be and needs to be easy.
When we learn to love ourselves this well, we are able to love others this well. We can see our parents, our partners, our children, our coworkers, our bosses as flawed human beings. Instead of being judgmental and angry, we can feel compassion. Compassion clears our brains.
When our brains are clear, meaning and purpose can rise to the surface like a phosphorescent trail we can follow in the sea. When we’re not distracted by our own human foibles, when we can see our flaws clearly and compassionately, we can take effective action to move toward who we are meant to be, and what we are meant to do in the world.
This way of living may seem difficult, almost impossible when we begin. But living this way gets easier the more we do it. Our brain can assign more cells to compassion, humor, and forgiveness than it does to criticism, judgmental as am, perfectionism, and despair.
Loving our imperfections is easier, in fact than any other way to live. How about that?
I want to never forget this simple truth.
Many blessings to you, many, many blessings to you,
Vicki
P.S. I’m still offering my free fifteen minute Play with Possibility Date, which includes a customized Musical Motivator. Contact my business manager, Sandy Parker at sandy@myefficientassistant.com to set up an appointment.