If you want your children to grow up and be responsible, self-directed, gracious, and good citizens of the world, you need to D. I G. In now.
The D stands for Delayed gratification.
I stands for Impulse control.
G stands for Gratitude.
Delayed gratification
In his book Emotional Intelligence, Daniel Goleman cites some research done on four-year-olds. Each child was given a marshmallow and told if he or she could wait until the researcher came back to eat it, they would get a second marshmallow. The researchers waited 15 minutes, which, as you know if you’ve ever been around a four-year-old, is an eternity.
For some children it was not difficult to wait to get the second marshmallow. Other children didn’t even try, scooping up the marshmallow before the researcher had even left the room. Other children had to you rely on strategies: singing to themselves, pacing around the room, or tapping their fingers on the table.
The results were startling. The children who knew how to delay gratification and wait for the second marshmallow made higher scores on their SATs years later.
Teaching your children to wait will help them get into a better college.
In Outliers, a fabulous book by Malcolm Gladwell, the secret of success for many Asian students in math was revealed. The Chinese language, it turns out, just naturally teaches the relationships between numbers. But even more important than that, was the revelation that the international math test is preceded by a long survey of over 100 questions. There was a direct correlation between the number of questions answered and the success of the math test. This means that those students who were able to stick with the task that was tedious, just happen to also be really good at math.
Let me say this in another way. The students who knew how to fill out the survey, the students who knew how to stick with a problem and not give up, the students who knew to delay the gratification of starting on the test always performed better.
Teaching to delay gratification will make your children better math students.
Impulse Control
Impulse control is, of course, connected to delay gratification. When we get into our children’s impulses, usually in the form of “I want this now, mom”, we are reinforcing addictive behavior. I know this is a strong statement, but I’m a drug and alcohol counselor. I can guarantee you that if your children do not know how to control their impulses, starting at a very early age, you are setting them up to the addicts.
Friendship Practice
When I work with children in schools I often work with them about friendship. We get in a circle and in the center pile a bunch of very attractive toys. Then I ask them how many of them would like to have more friends. They all raised their hands. I explained that we are going to practice having friends right now.
Then I asked them how many of them would like to play with the toys in the center of the circle. All of the children raise their hands. I say, “Now we get to practice wanting and not getting. Some of you are going to get to play with the toys, but most of you aren’t.”
My Dinosaur puppet starts moaning. “Oh, oh, no! I want to play with the toys! I want to play with the toys now! Give me, give me, give me now!”
My Lion puppet then takes a deep breath and says, “Oh, well. Maybe later.” I have the children practice this with me. Sighing is a wonderful way of shifting your energy and rebooting your brain.
I select a few children to play with the toys, only children whose mouths are closed and whose hands are raised. I would never want to reinforce children who are making noise and practicing being greedy.
While some of the children are playing with the toys, I asked the children in the outer circle to watch and listen for friendship behavior. We notice the kindness of the tone, sharing, giggling–I tell the children they are making this friendship thing look very easy.
We practice Stopping When You’re Not Finished. We practice Entering the Game Graciously. When a child spontaneoulsy moves over to make room for another child, I point out that no adult had to tell them to do this. This is graciousness in action.
Practicing Unfair
I stumbled on this idea when some child said something wasn’t unfair when we are practicing friendship skills. I said, “Great! Let’s practice unfair!” You can teach anything you want children to learn. Duh! I had all the children who were playing with toys rejoin the circle. “Now we will practice unfair” I said “Some of the children are going to get two turns, and some of you are going to get zero turns.” My dinosaur puppet began wailing, huge melodramatic sobs and complaints. The children join me and the lion puppet sighing and saying, “Oh well. Maybe later.”
Throughout this exercise I would ask, “Is the dinosaur losing friends are gaining friends?” It’s very clear to the students that this is not great friendship behavior, this whining, pushing, greedy self-centeredness. Thereafter, if some student complained about something, I could say with a smile, “Yes, it’s unfair.” The child would nod sadly and go on with his work.
Wanting and Not Touching
Also during this exercise I would give children who have a difficult time keeping their hands off things, a chance to practice wanting and not touching. I would explain that some children and some adults have a much harder time with this than others. I, for example have no problem looking at something and not touching it. So it’s easy for me. But it’s not easy for other people and they need more practice. “Who would like a chance to practice?” I will ask and many children are eager to give it a try. For some children it is the first time they get a chance to work on this problem without shame.
I would put my wonderful dinosaur puppet on the floor in front of the student and let them practice looking at it but not touching. All the other children watch, looking for strategies the child is using to look but not touch.
One child would notice that Jane was holding her hands or sitting on her hands. “Yes, this is a brilliant strategy. When she holds her hands she knows where her hands are and she is in control.”
When I do this exercise with teachers, some teachers have just as much trouble not touching the toys as children do. I asked them if their hearts are beating, if they’re breathing, if they feel alive and well. This helps them re-calibrate to feeling at peace when looking and not touching.
Gratitude
Our brains are hardwired to notice the negative. It is as if in our brains we have a few thrones where we put in negative beliefs, negative experiences, negative comments and anxieties. Positive comments, positive experiences are relegated to the back of the room, preferably under a blanket. See the book Buddha’s Brain for more on the neuroscience of behavior.
In order to rewire our brains, we must focus on gratitude. We must practice finding what is working in our lives. Everyday. We must teach our children to do this as well.
“Who was kind to you today?” We could ask our children as were tucking them into bed. Asking ourselves and our children, “What was the bravest thing you did today?” helps us throw out minor frustrations we have put on the thrown in our brains, replacing them with the truth about how much abundance we have. If we asked such questions every evening at the dinner table, we could focus our family on love and gratitude instead of petty complaints.
Younger children can draw pictures of what they appreciate. If they can’t write, they can create an audio appreciation letter.
Angel Committee Conversations
I begin almost every day by writing to my Angel Committee. I begin my conversation with appreciation and gratitude. This re-calibrates my body, mind and spirit, so I’m better able to focus on love, courage, generosity and creativity.
Now, Now, Now!
Parents, D.I.G. in now. Start today, start imperfectly, start without a plan, but start. Start teaching your children to wait and celebrating their “wait muscle” that they’re building. Give them lots of chances to practice impulse control and notice once again how much stronger they are when they know how to not get into the impulses. Share your gratitude’s as a family every day. Tell everyone at your dinner table something that you appreciate about them every day. “Mom, I appreciate your efforts to cook healthy delicious meals for us.”
If you decide to D.I.G. in, please let me know how it goes. I want to support your efforts in any way I can.
Blessings,
