When I was in graduate school getting my Master’s degree in counseling, I took a class where we read an article about the five paragraph essay. The authors of the article tried to find the five paragraph essay in real life. You won’t be surprised to find out they could not find a five paragraph essay in the real world. It is taught all over the country, and is used to assess people’s writing ability to get into college. Yet it does not exist in the real world. What is that all about?

The five paragraph essay is boring to write and excruciating to read but it is easy to assess. It is not real writing. No professional writer gets paid to write a five paragraph essay and no readers voluntarily read one.

I have worked with so many people who didn’t think they could write because they hated writing five paragraph essays. This makes me mad. I belive we can all write and we all have something important to say. Writing keeps us healthy. Writing keeps us sane.

If we have to know how to write a five paragraph essay to succeed in this world, let’s learn how to do it. But let’s not ever call this kind of writing real writing. Since this is a hoop we can’t avoid, let’s jump through it. But let’s have fun jumping.

I have taken my revenge against the five paragraph essay by writing a mock five paragraph essay that, not incidentally, teaches how to write a five paragraph essay while I’m making fun of it. I hope you read it and laugh. I hope you know someone who needs to read this and that my mock essay sets them free forever. Enjoy!

Vicki

Why I Like to Grow Edible Pod Peas (As if You Care)

A Five Paragraph Essay

By Vicki Hannah Lein

This essay in five paragraphs is about why I like to grow edible pod peas. I know I mentioned this in the title, but my grade depends upon my having my thesis sentence be the first sentence of each paragraph, so now the person assessing this essay can check that box. (I’m trying to make grading this paper as easy as possible.) I have three reasons I like to grow edible pod peas because I need three internal paragraphs in order for this to be a five paragraph essay. The three reasons are: (Note the correct use of the colon.) Edible pod peas are easy to grow, nutritious and fun to eat. Hence, I will continue on to the body of my essay on why I like to grow edible pod peas. I cannot guarantee you will remember my three reasons, though by the end of this essay I will have mentioned them four times, but I can pretty much assure you that you will not care about why I grow the peas. I don’t need you to care because you are only reading this because a) you are being paid to or b) you are being coerced into reading this as a peer in order to receive a good grade on this assignment, so you can get a good grade in this class, so you can graduate with a high grade point average, so you can get into Harvard, so you can go to law school, edit the Law Review, get hired by a big corporation, make lots of money, make your parents proud, and live happily ever after. There is a lot at stake here, but I don’t need to remind you of that if you are a classmate of mine; you already know that. (Note the correct use of the semicolon.)

First and foremost, (Note the use of a transitional word. I will start every paragraph from now on with a transitional word, so you can check that box now.) I like to grow edible pod peas because they are easy to grow. They are easy to grow because I can buy a pack of edible pod peas almost anywhere and put them on a plate with a paper towel over them, soak them with water and let them sprout. After they sprout I can put them in potting soil I bought from the same place I bought the pea seeds, put them on a deck in the sun and let them grow. So, as you can see, it is easy to grow edible pod peas. (Note that I proved this first point with three reasons. Is that not beautiful symmetry?)

Second, (I told you I started all paragraphs with a transitional word.) I like to grow edible pod peas because they are nutritious. They are nutritious because they do not contain any high fructose corn syrup which is evil stuff indeed. They are natural, organic, and a green vegetable, and almost no expert thinks it is bad for people to eat a fresh organic vegetable. So, edible pods peas are fun to grow because they are nutritious.

Finally, I like to grow edible pod peas because they are fun to eat. They are fun to eat because they snap when you eat them – a fresh, crunchy sound. (Note the correct use of the dash.) Because no pesticides were used, edible pod peas do not even need to be washed. (Note: I started this sentence with “Because” and even though you may have been taught that you could never start a sentence with “Because,” it is fine to start a sentence with “Because” if you attach this dependent clause to a full sentence. You should know that but one of my professors in graduate school did not know this, hence, I dare to instruct you about the proper use of starting a sentence with “Because.”) You can pick them while standing or sitting out in the sun, munch on them, know you are being healthy and virtuous. This is the ultimate win/win situation.

In conclusion, (We are finally at the conclusion!) I like to grow edible pod peas because they are easy to grow, nutritious, and fun to eat. (Note how I told you what I was going to tell you in the introduction, told you in the body of the essay, and told you what I had told you in the conclusion. I know it would have been hard to forget since I have told you so many times, but this essay is not for the reader. It is for the person who grades the person who writes the laws that demand that all children are tested to death so another politician or his greedy cronies can get rich.) Finally, Reader, I hope you are still breathing after reading this essay and that you may consider, after my most persuasive arguments, growing edible pod peas yourself. (Get yourself a beer. You deserve it after reading this incredibly insipid, but easy to grade, essay.)

Vicki Hannah Lein, hoping this is the last five paragraph essay I will ever have to write.

I’m feeling a little lost this morning. So I’ve decided to center myself by writing and to focus on what I know because right now I feel swamped by all the things I don’t know.

1. One thing I know is that I have lots of help. For example, I am dictating this writing into my computer with the new program I am just learning how to use called MacSpeech Dictate. Since I am legally blind, and I was never very good at typing anyway, in fact,I cheated in my high school typing class, writing these blogs is very difficult for me. I make so many mistakes typing, sometimes three or four errors per sentence, that it takes a lot of my life energy to proofread my writing.

Now I have a program that I can talk into and it magically, MAGICALLY, prints what I say. This program is new to me, so I have much more to discover about how much this program will empower me. But I know this, I will get better and faster at using this program because I will stick with it until I master it.

So one thing I really know is that no matter how lost I am, there is plenty of help all around me all the time.

2. I get to hope and dream. I just got back from a mastermind session with Suzanne Evans, and I am churning. My doubts are up and about and floating in my brain and through my heart and clouding my vision. My big dreams to help the world in the best way I know how are also pulsating through me, almost demanding that I stay tuned and stay committed so that people in the world that I can most serve will be served. Giving up is not an option. Giving up is not an option.

3. What I also know is that I am deeply loved. Not only do I have a fabulous amazing magical husband, but I got an e-mail from someone in Bulgaria this morning, someone who said she loved my book Woman with a Voice: Daring to Live Authentically Ever After. She said a friend of hers loves my books so much, she wants her own copy. How could she get a copy of my book in Bulgaria.

To me this is a miracle. That I have touched someone in Bulgaria, touched someone enough that she seeks me out again three years after she saw me speak in Prague–well, this is reason enough for me to get up every morning and do whatever it is I need to do, so that I can help the people I can help, so that courage and truth and integrity rise in the world.

4.I know that everyone has greatness and genius in them. I know that if we are willing to tell ourselves the truth and not let shame steal our glory and our passion, each one of us has the ability to create miracles all day long. What if every person in the world got up every morning and said to themselves, “I am going to make their day!”

What if every person every day got up and helped every person they met smile, laugh, or just feel a little bit better about being alive? What if we all did this one simple thing? The world would be instantly and completely transformed.

That’s how close it all is. Just this close. Just right now right in front of us in ourselves, in our own hearts in our breath, in our smile and in our intention every day to make our day by making their day.

This is what I know today, even when I’m lost.

Blessings,

Vicki

Do you feel like a tiger is chasing you to some finish line you don’t even know for sure is there but one thing you know is that it used to be fun and now you are crabby and tired and you want to kick innocent animals and scream at that jerk who is driving too slowly, making you late?

If you are needing a Joy Boost, if you have lost touch with the passion and fun you used to have, I would love to play with you. For a limited time, I am offering a free fifteen minute phone call. We will play with what most needs to shift to get you back on your Joy Boat. I will come up with a jingle, meditation, or emotional clearing tapping session.

If you would like to schedule a time for your free call, email me at: vicki@daringtobejoyful.com. You will come away with something concrete that will make you laugh or help you listen to the deepest, truest part of yourself. I’d be happy to send you a sample of a jingle I created to help one of my clients get on his computer and work with a program called Dream Weaver. It’s a bit wicked, but still PG rated.

Yahoo!

Vicki

Finding Space Between the Molecules

I will not hurry.

Today I will not hurry. Today I will trust the Universe enough to surrender to the natural flow of the day.

I will not push the river for the River loves me and is moving at just the right speed.

Just for today I will find the space between the molecules. There is infinite space between the molecules and I am safe there.

Life is easy between the molecules and I have plenty of time, plenty of time to do all I need to do, all that needs doing.

I am light and I am surrounded in light between the molecules.

My life may look full to the brim, overflowing with urgency, but I know this is an illusion.

The Truth is that everything is energy and that what looks solid is almost all space. There is always room between the molecules, always room for me.

There is always plenty of time for me to rest and reflect between the molecules

My truest, most authentic self is always there waiting for me between the molecules. I am never abandoned, never alone as long as I remember how I can find myself at any moment, in any place.

My deepest wisdom lives between the molecules. It is always there, ready and patiently waiting for me to return.

There is no hurry. I have plenty of time.

Between the Molecules.

Blessings,

Vicki

I created a short meditation which could even be used as a ring tone, to help me remember to slow down all day long and find peace in each moment.

This short movie contains the MP3 I created. If you want me to send it to you, just email me at vicki@daringtobejoyful.com.

I’m also going to offer free customized meditations, motivation, and jingles as long as I can do them with joy between the molecules.

Hurry! Hurry! Now! This offer will go away soon! (Just kidding. This or something better will come your way exactly when you need it. I hate and do not trust Urgency….)