Here’s the good news: there are two secrets to being happy in this world.

Here’s the bad news: they are simple but not easy to do.

Secret Number One: Learn How to Not Be Ashamed of Your Shame

We all feel shame, and it is decidedly unpleasant. In the book Healing the Shame that Binds You, John Bradshaw defines shame as the feeling not that you have made a mistake but the feeling that you ARE a mistake.

We are invited to feel shame when someone corrects our grammar in public. Or when we confess that we don’t know something and someone says, “You are kidding! You don’t know that???”

Any statement that contains a subtext of “you are an idiot!” is a shaming statement. We all have been shamed, and we all have shamed. It is how people control one another. People laugh at us for the way we laugh, so unselfconsciously, we stop laughing. People tell us we can’t carry a tune in a bucket, and we give up singing, sometimes for the rest of our lives.

Shame Isn’t the Problem

But shame isn’t the problem. Our shame about feeling shame is the problem. We feel shame, we feel enormously vulnerable and exposed, and we decide to keep it Secret. If no one knows we are feeling shame, then maybe we can get away with it. Maybe our brokenness, our unlovability, will be known only by us and not the rest of the world.

When we learn not to be ashamed of our shame, when we learn we can say, “I’m feeling shame right now,” then we are free. Our shame will become just another feeling, albeit an unpleasant one, but just a feeling. We confess that, and it will pass. If we try to keep it a secret, then we are marrying it for ever. We are branding it into our souls. It becomes another shameful, ugly scar that keeps us separate from other people.

If you are going to be able to see who you are meant to be clearly, then you’re going to have to be able to feel shame and admit it. If you are afraid of your shame, you will spend your life avoiding any situations that might trigger your shame. Instead of leaning in to who you are meant to become, you will spend your life trying to play it safe. You will never get to know who you really are, and no one else will ever get to know who you really are either.

I told you it was simple but not easy. The next secret is just as challenging.

Secret Number Two: You Can’t Make Anyone Love You or Themselves

Bonnie Raitt, in her song “I Can’t Make You Love Me” says it all. Is there anything more excruciating than loving someone and having them not love you back? Yes, there is something more excruciating than that. Loving someone and watching them destroy themselves through addiction, self loathing, or recklessness.

When you love someone and they are killing themselves with an addiction, it’s like watching a grizzly bear grab them and haul them off to their cave, eating them as they go. There’s nothing you can do but watch. You are there if they decide they want help, but you can’t make them want help.

Loving yourself well and feeling compassion for people who are hurting themselves is as good as it gets. It’s called Detaching With Compassion. It is not easy to do.

But if you spend your life trying to wrestle people’s problems away from them, you will be very frustrated. It’s like trying to teach a pig to sing. It just makes you crazy, and makes the pig mad.

The Truth About Happiness

The happy conclusion: there is no Magic Bullet, as I wrote about yesterday. There is only having the courage to face each day with humility, willingness, compassion, gratitude, and a healthy sense of humor. You will be able to see yourself clearly and those around you clearly. Who you are meant to be will emerge whole and intact, and it will not surprise you. Who You are Meant to Be you will know as an Old Friend, an Old Friend who has been waiting around patiently, perhaps for years, for you to show up.

You Have to Do It By Yourself, But You Can’t Do It Alone.

I love helping people in this process. I love finding a way to shift the “boogga-boogga” that has been stalking you, and getting you to laugh about it. If you can laugh, you can live.

If you’re interested in finding out about my coaching programs, contact me at the vicki@outrageousvisions.com

Blessings,

Vicki

My background is in drug and alcohol recovery, so the model I use is: Get up, take stock, be grateful, be honest, take responsibility, let go, forgive, and as soon as you can, find the joke.

When you’re in Recovery, there is no box to check. You are never Recovered; you are always In Recovery. It’s a process. You have to do it every day, and it never ends.

It’s kind of like brushing your teeth. If you want to have your teeth in old age, you have to brush your teeth two or three times a day All your life. There is no Magic Bullet to save your teeth. You have to do the work. You have to do it every day. And if you’re really smart, you will floss. It’s not inherently sexy to floss, but that’s how you keep your gums healthy and, even more wonderful, that’s how you help keep your heart healthy.

But That Sounds Too Hard!

Some people, many people, want a Magic Bullet. They want to find that One Program, that One Workshop, that One Guru, that One Ecstatic Experience that puts everything in its place and make sense of life forever.

But there is no One Final Answer. This is good news. I tell one of my clients — and this is why the word Outrageous fits me so well — that if she wants a Quick, Final Fix for her life, so that she does not have to get up every day, roll up her sleeves, and do the work that is in front of her to do, that she should start taking methamphetamines. Methamphetamines work really, really well the first time. All of your problems are taken away. Unfortunately, that’s the last time you’ll have that feeling, according to the meth addicts I have worked with. The rest of your life is, quite simply put, hell.

Our Addictive Society

Our society is an addict. We love addicts and we love creating more addictions. People addicted to fear are much more easily manipulated. People addicted to the belief of a Magic Bullet, are much more easily lead to another workshop, another program, another Transformational Once and For All Program that answers all questions forever.

This is why cults are so attractive. This is why gangs are so attractive. This is why fundamentalist religious dogmas that answer all questions for all people for all time are so attractive. There is something in us that wants to abdicate responsibility for our lives.

The Good News: There is No Magic Bullet

When we grow up, when we get that every day we have to wake up and figure out what to do, just as everybody else in the world has to do — the Julia Roberts’s, the Barack Obama’s, the Jane Goodall’s, the John Bon Jovi’s. We all have to wake up and figure it out every single day.

Knowing this truth is why I call myself a Life Coach and a Coach for Life. As Joseph Campbell once said, “Life is not a problem to be solved; it is a mystery to be lived.” And the Mystery is so Mysterious! It will not be tamed. When we accept this fact, we can enjoy every challenge that comes our way. We know where the rubber chicken meets the road, and we can find humor fairly quickly in just about any of life’s challenges.

The skill I’m working on right now is asking. So here goes: Do you need a coach? Are you resonating with what I’m writing? Is there a part of you saying, “Yes!” If so, contact me and we’ll set up a time to talk. You can e-mail me at Vicki@outrageousvisions.com.

It’s Time to Step Up

I believe it is selfish of us to hide our gifts under a bushel. I am very good at helping people discover the obstacles, the beliefs or habits, that need shifting, and finding a funny often musical way to do it. It’s a sin for you to hide your gifts under a bushel as well. The world needs the best from us now more than ever, don’t you think?

Blessings,

Vicki

If you are to be able to see clearly who you are meant to be and what you’re meant to do in this world, then you need to learn how to hold your vision in spite of the obstacles, doubts, and pitfalls on your path.

Where We Go Wrong

We have this idea that once we have a vision of what we are meant to do, we should be able to take one step, then the next, then proceed directly to the Land of Manifestation. Maybe this is because getting a college degree is fairly clear-cut. You pick a major, you take your courses, you pass your courses, and you get your degree. Period.

Just as I think many of us still think technology should work like a light switch, that is, you turn the switch up, the light goes on; you turn it down the light goes off. It works 99.9% of the time just like that. When our other technology doesn’t work like that, we feel cheated, frustrated, and like gravity is picking on us.

Technology does not work like a light switch. If you’re going to solve a problem on your computer, for example, you have to stay in the game, keep your sense of humor, and be looking for an alternative solution. You need to Take It On!

If you approach technological problems this way, you will be strengthening your brain, protecting yourself from Alzheimer’s, and increasing your immune system. Getting mad every time it doesn’t work out the way you think it should, just keeps you spinning in stuck.

See the Light!

I hope you see what I’m getting at here. We see who we are meant to be in a flash of inspiration, a moment of Deep Truth, a synchronicity — something that compels us to step out of the Known and be willing to see what happens when we jump off the cliff into the Unknown.

For some of us, this is the easiest part of the journey. For others of us, we teeter on the edge of the cliff our entire lives. We want Guarantees. We want To Know. We don’t know anyone else who’s done it this way, and we don’t want to be the Trail Blazers of our lives.

But if you have leapt off that cliff, you may have already learned that there are no parachutes, there is no trail, there are rocks, bird poop, snakes, and beautiful vistas, and surprises, Delights, and the richness of just being alive that makes you grateful every morning to just wake up.

I celebrated Thanksgiving day yesterday with the President of the Bali Institute for Global Renewal at her villa here in Ubud, Bali. At our tables sat people from Sumatra, Bali, the Netherlands, England, Canada, Japan, California, Philadelphia, and three people from Corvallis, Oregon.

The Bali Institute is a dream that is coming alive this week as 30 people from all over the world gather to cross-pollinate and plan an international conference in December of 2010. Save that date.

What Seeing Who You Are Meant to Be Looks Like

Seeing who you are meant to be means letting yourself be led. It means doing things you don’t understand and that sometimes your friends and family don’t understand either. Committing to your authentic expression of your deepest self will enrich you, terrify you, confuse you — but even in your darkest moments, there will be a little glimmer of Something, Something that links you to every other person in the world who has made this journey. You may feel alone sometimes, but you are never alone.

It’s Thanksgiving Day back home for me in the United States, and I guess I’m feeling warm and fuzzy.

Are You Hearing the Call?

If you are resonating with what I’m saying, I’d like you to think about allowing me to support your journey. Contact me at Vicki@outrageousvisions.com and we can set up a time to talk.

May you always be filled with gratitude,

Vicki

My mother and my sister both dropped out of high school. I have alcoholism on both sides of my family, and I didn’t even know it was unusual to ride with people who were drunk until I was in my 30s. My graduating from high school, then college, and getting a masters degree is a bit of a miracle.

This is my fourth trip to Bali. How did I ever get myself here, and what does this have to do with you?

Step One: Believe it’s possible.

When I heard that Bali didn’t have a word for art because everything was arts in Bali, I had to believe it was possible. I had to be able to see myself actually being in Bali for this dream to become a reality. Was it okay for me to be the kind of person who gets to go to beautiful, exotic places? Did I have a rule in my head that told me it was not okay for someone like me to do something like this? If so, I needed to be willing to break this rule.

Step Two: Set an intention

After my body resonated so deeply when I heard about art in Bali, I started speaking my intention to visit Bali. I said it out loud. I told large groups of people that one of my goals was to go to Bali. I didn’t know when this would happen, I only knew that it would happen for sure.

Step Three: Be ready to say Yes! when the opportunity arises.

In about July of 2007 I received an invitation to join a dear friend of mine, Jana Stanfield, on a trip she was arranging to go to Malaysia and Bali. I said an immediate Yes! Did I know how I was going to pay for this? No. Did I worry about this? No. Jana is a singer-songwriter/inspirational speaker just as I am, and I knew this was a chance of a lifetime and there was absolutely no way I was going to let this opportunity pass.

Step Four: Repeat steps one through three until you die.

This is my fourth trip to Bali. I am here partly to meet with the President of the Bali Institute for Global Renewal, Marcia Jaffe, and an awesome group of people she has assembled to help plan an international conference in December of 2010.

When I read a list of the names and descriptions of the people who are attending this planning session, I had to chant to myself, “I have something to contribute. I have something to contribute. I have something to contribute.”

I know I have something to contribute. I have my own, unique, authentic self. I have my compassion, my experience, my humor, my insight, and my willingness to step up and do whatever is needed. So there!

So what does this have to do with you? Everything.

Are you interested in learning how to listen deeply to yourself and trust what you hear? Are you interested in building your Courage Muscle, so that you can take advantage of opportunities that present themselves to you? Do you need someone by your side, so to speak, to help you see clearly who you are meant to be? Then contact me today. While I’m in Bali. Right now. Do it. You can e-mail me at Vicki@outrageousvisions.com.

Don’t hesitate. You have nothing to lose. Get off that pot or do what you’re supposed to do while you sit in there.

Blessings,

Vicki

Hello all of you people who are not in Bali! I have arrived! I’ve been massaged and scrubbed and soaked in a bath with flower petals! Life is good!