You and I Can Ruin Anything

If people can use, “Love thy neighbor as thyself,” as an excuse to burn people at the stake, then people can ruin anything. “Love thy neighbor as thyself” seems fairly ambiguous to me. It does not come with asterisk. This command from Jesus does not say, “Love people who are easy to love, people just like you, but go ahead and hate people who are different. Go ahead and blow them up, cover them with stones and let them be crushed to death.”

So if we can ruin something so simple and so clear, we flawed human beings can ruin anything.

For example, one would think people who do yoga regularly would be living in the flow. Yet I have known yoga teachers who were anxiety ridden, perfectionist, full of self-hate, and yoga bullies. Doing yoga regularly does not inoculate us against life.

Let me be clear: I love doing yoga. Yoga loves me. I even wrote a song about yoga: “Yoga makes me feel alive. Yoga improves my muscle tone. When I’m breathing doing yoga, I am in my body and completely at home.” I have known many, many lovely yoga teachers who do live in the flow.  This article is not about them.

Taking an Emotional Shower Every Day

I have recently discovered EFT, Emotional Freedom Technique. Jack Canfield calls it psychological acupuncture. I’ve been a therapist for over 20 years, and EFT is one of the best techniques I have ever used. Brad Yates, whose EFT videos I watch regularly, says that EFT is like taking an emotional shower every morning. We brush our teeth, we wash our hair, but we don’t regularly clear out our emotions. EFT is great for keeping our emotions soft and flowing.  I’ve been comparing EFT to rust removing spray.  Using EFT regularly keeps our emotions soft and easy to wash off.  Otherwise, we get crusty and it is more difficult to get to our shiny greatness underneath.  (Okay, I was a literature major. I love metaphors.)

But just as with anything else, we can ruin the EFT. If people are afraid to feel their emotions, they can use EFT as an escape from the messiness of grieving and loss. instead of using EFT as a tool we can use it to help ourselves free ourselves from emotional patterns that keep us trapped, people can ruin the EFT by seeing it as a way to avoid dealing with the ephemeral nature of our lives, the fragility of our lives, and the big truth we want to avoid: we are all going to die.

The Law Attraction Can Be Misused

And lastly, people can even ruin the Law of Attraction. Just as religion is corrupted into a form of control, using fear to manipulate people to vote for who they want, the Law of Attraction can be corrupted into a way of controlling our future and everyone around us. Nothing is impossible according to the Law of Attraction. But have you seen anyone regenerating any arms lately? Have you seen anyone flying around the world without a plane? Of course not.

The Law of Attraction can be misused as a way to try to be perfect, to try to avoid the messy work of grieving and loss, a way to control everything. Just as when we use religion to bargain our way to safety, allowing us to get mad at God when we lose the game or we get cancer, we are disappointed when we cannot manipulate the world with the Law of Attraction. (I want that Lamborghini and I want it now!)

Let me be clear: I believe the Law of Attraction works. I just believe that surrendering is better than trying to control everything. I believe that Divine Right Action is at work. I believe that my having a rare genetic disease, a disease which they can trace back to the family in Ireland that first mutated the gene, a disease for which the genetic marker was discovered from research on my family — I don’t believe my getting this disease was any kind of mistake.

Living the Mystery

I don’t believe I am being punished because I do not want to see the truth in my life. I believe glib formulas of “Oh, you broke your foot, so I know that means you are afraid to step out into the world” are ways for the speaker to feel he or she has a control that does not exist for human beings.  It might be true that you broke your foot because you are afraid to step out into the world.  But let’s have a little more humility and a little less arrogance around this phenomenon, shall we?

Joseph Campbell said that life is not a problem to be solved but a mystery to be lived. I much prefer the surprise and delight and struggle of learning to live the mystery of my life. I much prefer to believe that when the challenge comes my way it is a gift ready for me to unwrap and discover. It is not a punishment.

I am not saying that people who talk about the Law of Attraction are corrupt. I am not saying that the Law of Attraction is corrupt. I am saying we can ruin anything. Our need to be perfect, which is really our need to be safe and loved, corrupts everything it touches.

Wow! What now? So if we could ruin anything, what are we to do now? That’s easy: laugh at ourselves. We are very funny, we human beings. Aren’t we just hilarious in that way we try to control everything and then give it a spiritual face? We are hysterically funny! Let’s forgive ourselves immediately. Let’s forgive each other immediately. Let’s not take ourselves so seriously.

I, for example, am committed to finding where the rubber chicken meets the road.

Blessings,

Vicki

The other day I woke up in a pit of discouragement. I don’t like feeling discouraged; in fact, I hate feeling discouraged. So when I’m feeling discouraged, I’m not only feeling discouraged, I’m feeling like I’ve let myself and the world down. How about that for a ridiculous thought?

Just as I’ve said fear isn’t the problem, being afraid of being afraid is the problem, and shame isn’t the problem, being ashamed of being ashamed is the problem–discouragement isn’t the problem, being discouraged about discouragement is what will keep us discouraged.

I am a motivational, transformational speaker. My job is to encourage people at all times in all places–or at least that’s how I define my job when I’m discouraged. When I’m not discouraged, I know my job is to show up, tell the truth, be willing, surrender, and be ready to be transformed by whatever is happening to me. I’m not contracting with myself, with The Universe, or with you to always be joyful, positive, and encouraging. I’m a human being. I cannot promise to always be joyful.

I can promise to be a person who is willing to be alive and real every day, a person who knows that fun is a spiritual practice, and that when I surrender to whatever is happening to me, fun is usually just around the corner.

I woke up feeling discouraged because I was thinking these thoughts: I’ve been putting out a lot, and not much is coming back my way. This is not the truth. The truth is I’m putting out a lot and a lot is coming back my way, just not as fast as I would like in my toddler, temper tantruming brain.

Yesterday, when I finally realized I was afraid and even ashamed of being discouraged, I let myself sink in to discouragement without trying to beat it away. As soon as I did this, I realized the truth was I was tired of mustering. I get to be tired of mustering and I get to rest. I get to rest in whatever way I want to rest, which might include watching movie after movie, and So You Think You Can Dance. My recovery gets to look anyway it looks.

I’m reminded of the first part of John Bunyan’s book The Pilgrims Progress. He wrote this when he was in jail in the 17th century. It’s about the journey of Christian. I think it is a great story about anyone who sets out on a path of mindfulness–of being awake and connected to the soul and the journey of the soul.

The first thing that happens to Christian is he falls in the Slew of Despond. The first Thing! He’s barely on the path and the first thing he does is fall into a pit. This sucks.  This is not fair. this is, however, how it is sometimes.

He’s sinking in the pit, thrashing around trying to get himself out, probably beating himself up and telling himself some bad things about himself or about life. He thrashes and sinks and thrashes and sinks until finally he surrenders a bit and goes down into the pit a little deeper than was comfortable.

Once he lets himself go a little deeper into, oh, let’s say the feeling of discouragement, his feet find solidity. He’s still up to his chin in muck, but he is no longer sinking. His surrendering to the sinking has allowed him to find solidity. How about that?

As soon as he finds some solid footing, again with the muck up to his chin, along comes Hope. Hope reaches out to Christian, and Christian must reach out and accept help in order to get out of the muck.

Let me review:

First, Christians starts out on a big journey and the first thing that happens is he falls into a pit. Second, he thrashes around and wears himself out. Third, he finally surrenders to the feeling, even though he’s very scared that he’s going to sink and drown. Fourth, once he surrenders he finds solid ground, though he is still up to his eyeballs in muck. Fifth, now that he has quit thrashing around he is offered Hope, but he must reach out and accept the help offered in order to get out of the muck.

Surrendering is Not Giving Up

I surrendered yesterday to my feeling of discouragement, and found some solid ground in knowing that I was simply tired of mustering. I get to get tired of mustering. When I quit thrashing about and hurting myself, my husband reached out to me with his incredible soulfulness and wisdom. I reached back and accepted his help. He gave me the attention and perspective I needed to help me hose myself off and get back on my feet again.

I don’t have to muster today if I don’t want to. Because I don’t’ have to muster today, I’ve mustered today.  So far today I’ve contacted someone who offered to help me set up a workshop in Hawaii. (Want to come?)  I also talked with a coaching client, I wrote a description of a new product I’m putting together and sent it to my Virtual Assistant, and I’ve written this article. Oh, I also washed my hair.

It’s now 11 AM. I think I’m better, but I don’t have to be better if I don’t want to be.

Discouragement does indeed suck. But I don’t have to be afraid of it. I don’t have to be afraid of feeling any way I’m feeling.

And neither do you.

Blessings,

Vicki

Did you know you can’t cash a check if it has blood on it?  Want to know how I found that out?

My intention is to always honor the inklings and nudging that I hear. I don’t want the Universe to have to dial up the volume to get my attention. I practice trusting my listening; and I teach people to listen and honor what they hear. A few days ago I was reminded, with a bit of gore, about why this listening is so important.

Here’s the story:

I drink Body Balance, a sea vegetable and aloe product of a company I respect called Life Force. Since I started drinking Body Balance three years ago this month, I’ve only been sick once, and for only a few days. I used to get three or four colds per year, so this is a big deal for me.

Life Force has an energy drink which has no junk in it and is actually good for you called True Boost. It’s peach flavored, and it makes me feel good so I drink it regularly.

Unfortunately, the pull tabs on the top of the bottles are not meant for mere mortals to peel off. Most of the time, I have to break the seal to open the bottle. Most of the time, I am smart about this process.

Okay, this is where I get stupid.

For some reason, I chose the other day to pick a sharp paring knife to try to break the seal on a True Boost bottle. This is obviously a bad idea. I banged on the top of the bottle and the knife bounced off. I think this made me a little mad, and a little stupid.

I banged on the top of the bottle again, and yet again my knife bounced off ineffectually. I downshifted into a Crazed Determination to Break the Seal.

Then I heard in my head a voice that said loudly and clearly, “Don’t do this! This is dangerous! Stop it!”

This was not a subtle inkling or a tiny whispery voice — this voice was as loud and clear as if someone were standing behind me.

I ignored the voice, and plunge the knife down one more time, slicing into my left thumb. I swore, through everything somewhere, stuck my bleeding thumb in my mouth, and rush to the bathroom to tend to my wound.

I should have known by how much it hurt when I put my thumb under the water faucet how bad my wound was, but I didn’t. I thought it was one of those cuts where you put some pressure on it for a while, it stops bleeding, then you put a Band-Aid on it and vow you never to do anything stupid with the knife again.  Obviously, this was not my first run-in with a knife in the kitchen.

This was 9:20 AM and I had an appointment at a bank at 10 AM, a one-day only special deal where if I opened up a business account I would get $100. There was no way I was going to miss this appointment. It’s about a half an hour walk from my house, but I have an umbrella, and I thought all I had to do was put a little pressure on my thumb and all would be well.

I’m laughing at myself by this time, shaking my head in wonder that I ignored a warning I heard so clearly. Are we human beings funny or what?

I stuff the folder of all the papers I needed at the bank in my vest, tucked an umbrella under one arm, and put pressure on the wad of toilet paper I had over my cut on my thumb.  Ready, set, walk to the bank!

When my folder jumped out from under my vest, spreading my papers out all over the sidewalk, I laughed again. This had to be funny because it was happening so it might as well be funny.

It was funny because I could see myself: here I am with this bloody bit of toilet paper on my thumb, umbrella under my arm, walking to the bank for this appointment, and my papers go all over the sidewalk. It might as well be funny because it is.

I am legally blind and I could not see how bad my cut was. This is important information for the next part of the story.

I get to the bank a little early, so I decide to cash two checks. I walk up to the window and tell the bank teller that I cut my thumb. I’m legally blind, so I don’t know how badly wounded I am. Could I go to the bathroom and take a look at it with the teller?

My guess is they don’t get asked to do this very often. But they were very cheerful and kind about it and when two tellers and I got to the bathroom and I pulled off the bloody toilet paper there was a slight intake of breath as one of the tellers said, “Ooo. This is very deep. You need to go to urgent care.”

Insert swear word here.

Well, this was just not what I had planned for the day. I washed my thumb, and put a new wad of toilet paper on it, put pressure on it and went back out to cash my checks. I am a determined person.

Unfortunately I couldn’t see that I did not have all the blood washed off my hands, so when I signed my check I got blood on it. As it turns out, there’s a policy with this bank that they will not accept checks with blood on them.

I thought this was very funny. “You mean you’ve had so many checks with blood on them you had to formulate a policy about it?” Now I started thinking the hazmat team would be in any moment to drag me off.

Here I am with blood all over my hands, possibly blood on my face because I did suck my thumb when I  first cut it, and I can’t see, so I might even look like a vampire. I try not to bother people, but I am bleeding all over the bank. I am causing trouble and I am out of control.  Messy, messy, messy — definitely not perfect at all.

But I am at least cheerful. Believe it or not, I got my bank account, without leaving blood on anything else as far as I know. I was then thanked for my patients. Are you kidding me? I said to the bank clerk, “My patience? You’re the one who’s patient.”

I called a friend who took me to urgent care and had my 1 inch wound glued together. It could have been so much worse, the doctor told me.  I could have cut through a joint, or sliced off a chunk of meat, or needed stitches.  Lucky, lucky, lucky I was.

Here’s the point.

• Every day we are given invitations to listen to a higher wisdom, a deeper truth that lives inside of all of us.

• Every day we choose to lean in and trust or to contract in fear and anger.

• Every time we don’t listen to our inner Knowing, overwriting it because of a petulant sense of urgency or because we don’t want to look foolish, we are inviting pain into our lives.

• Every time we don’t Listen, we are apt to end up bleeding some of our life energy into situations we have created.

Do I believe I was punished because I didn’t listen? No — an emphatic no! I believe that gravity exists and that if I don’t pay attention to where I’m walking and how I pick up my feet, I am more likely to trip over something and fall down. Gravity is not picking on me. This is the natural order of things, the deal I made with the universe when I was born.

The idea of punishment is too patriarchal, to Newtonian, and not very interesting to me.

The idea that I am being invited all day long every day to listen and trust a deeper wisdom within me makes me feel loved and cared for. If I choose to ignore this love and wisdom that is always there for me, then something is going to happen to help recalibrate me. This isn’t because the Universe is vengeful and punishing; this is because if you live off key your life will reflect your not being in tune.

I started the day. I almost sliced off the meat of my thumb not being able to get in touch with appreciation and gratitude. My life is rich in all ways, and if I’m not able to feel gratitude, I’m definitely out of alignment with the truth of my life.

After I sliced into my thumb, blood all over my kitchen and my bathroom and a bank, I was deeply in touch with Gratitude. I will probably have a scar on my thumb, a scar most likely I will not be able to see. I hope I will be able to feel it. I hope when I feel the little 1 inch scar on my thumb, I will feel gratitude and remember to listen.

Listen or bleed. This is not a warning, it’s an invitation.

Blessings,

Vicki

P.S. Uncle! The spammers have found me!  I have had to discontinue allowing comments on this blog because I’ve been getting up to thirty comments a day from spammers.  I do want to know what you are thinking about these articles, so please email me at vicki@outrageousvisions.com.

How many experiments did Thomas Edison attempt before he invented the light bulb? The answer, according to Wayne Dyer is 4000. 3999 times Thomas Edison tried and failed. Mistakes and failure. Mistakes and failure. How could he possibly deal with all those mistakes? All that failure?

Answer: he didn’t tell himself he was making mistakes and failing. He told himself, “I’ve learned 3999 ways how not to make a light bulb!”

The Truth About Learning Curves

If we are going to learn how to do anything important, we are going to make lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of mistakes. The sooner we get over the story that mistakes are terrible and something we need to be ashamed of, the sooner we’re going to get to enjoy basking in the glory of successes, large and small.

When I’m teaching a workshop, one of the first things I do is teach the participants not to say “I’m sorry” when they make a mistake, but to say instead “I’m sexy!” Try it for yourself right now if you can. Think of a mistake you made then either think to yourself or say to yourself “I’m sexy!”

Notice any change in how you feel?  Groovy!  You just learned something that could change the rest of your life.

Now making a mistake doesn’t “have” to make you feel stupid or inadequate or embarrassed.  Now, making a mistake can be part of the flow of learning and even fun.  This is a HUGE transformation!  And you did it by just changing one little story you have been chanting to yourself.

I learned this technique at an improvisation class and it has served me well ever since. I share this technique everywhere I go, even in Bali with very shy students. The first time I taught this technique I said, “I don’t know if this will translate.” Boy, did it translate! They howled with laughter. For the days we spent together we were all very sexy indeed. If one of us forgot to say it, someone else would holler out, “You’re sexy!”  We would all laugh together. Every single time. The joke never lost its appeal.

Taking Ourselves To Seriously

Here are some generalizations: we all tend to take ourselves too seriously. We all tend to think everybody else cares about our mistakes as much as we do. We all tend to think we should be able to do whatever we set out to do the first time perfectly. We do not give ourselves any time for a learning curve.

The truth about learning curves is that there always is one, no matter what we’re learning, no matter how old we are, no matter where we are. I wrote a song called “Don’t Give Up” and one of the verses says: “There’s a curve in every learning. Sometimes we’re first, sometimes we’re last. It doesn’t serve us to be yearning to be perfect. Put that in the past. Don’t give up!”

My husband Murray and I are hosting an Internet radio talk show called The Funnymooners on Real Coaching Radio Network. We are making lots of mistakes. We try not to repeat them, but we are not holding any impossible ideal that somehow we’re going to be able to do this new project perfectly the first time, or the second time, or ever.

Progress, Not Perfection

Our goal is progress, not perfection. We want to learn as we go, to laugh as we learn, and to model a relationship that works and plays.

Spread the word! Teach this to your family or your partner or your coworkers or strangers in the coffee shop. This is another simple yet transformational technique. Just by changing the story of “Oh, no!” to “Oh boy!”, you change your body chemistry, your vibration, your immune system, your brain’s ability to solve problems and your ability to absorb love.

So go out there and be sexy!  If you need some more help with this, you might want to tune ain and particpate in our conversation about Owning Our Own Farts on The Funnymooners tonight.  If you missed it, you can listen to the show by clicking here xxxsign up for one of my coaching programs.  Check out my Coaching page at www. xxx

Blessings,

Vicki

P.S.   Uncle! The spammers have found me!  I have had to discontinue allowing comments on this blog because I’ve been getting up to thirty comments a day from spammers.  I do want to know what you are thinking about these articles, so please email me at vicki@outrageousvisions.com.

Discussed on “The Funnymooners!” Every Wednesday at 6 p.m. PDT. Click HERE to get a reminder. Here is the link to the internet radio/video station.

On Wednesday, May 12, my husband Murray and I launched our Internet radio show called The Funnymooners on Real Coaching Radio Network.  We are now international stars!

During the show, which was fraught with technological challenges by the way, Murray brought up the topic of Tone. He first used this word with me when we were just at the beginning stages of our relationship. I was messing with the stereo and having some trouble and I said something to him with a little irritation in my voice. He’d been walking down the steps, stopped, turned around and came back to the top of the steps and said, in a very friendly voice, “Are you giving me Tone?”

I take a stand for treating everyone respectfully at all times. I do not give myself permission to leak my frustration on other people with an irritating or condescending tone of voice.

So, when my sweet Murray let me know I had been speaking disrespectfully to him, I was grateful. I don’t want to get away with this behavior. I was also grateful that he gave me this feedback in such a kind manner. He made it easy for me to admit my mistake, to own my own fart, and change my behavior immediately.

I sheepishly admitted that I had been giving Tone, and then asked my question again respectfully.

What happens when you practice something?

Tone is everywhere. Parents talking to children, children talking to each other, married people talking to each other — it is a very easy habit to get into.

The more we practice talking with Tone, the better we get at it. The more we allow people to talk to us with Tone, the more this disrespectful behavior gets normalized. We get so we don’t even notice when we’re giving tone or when we are receiving it.

Tone is enormously destructive to a relationship. Most of our communication is nonverbal; that is it’s not the words we say but how we say them and what our body is doing when we say them that communicates our true meaning.

Murray and I have a deal. We have a zero tolerance policy about Tone. We don’t let one sentence escape that is carrying a load of disrespect without being challenged. We might say “Ow!” We might say, as Murray said that first time, “Are you giving me tone?”

We don’t want to get used to giving or receiving Tone. That means when we’re angry about something, we have to own our anger and speak it clearly. We don’t get to leak our anger through sarcasm, irritation, or contempt.

This is one of the main reasons our relationship works as well as it does. Let me repeat that: taking this stand against Tone creeping into her conversation keeps our communication clear, clean, and connected. If you are going to take on one habit to improve your relationship with anyone, I would recommend you take on the habit of zero tolerance for tone.

Bad Habit Swapping

If you are guilty of giving people Tone, which everyone is guilty of, and you want to stop doing that right now, here’s what you need to do:

Go to the person or persons on whom you have been leaking your occasional disrespect, or contempt upon, and tell them, “I have a bad habit that I am taking on. I have a bad habit of talking to people disrespectfully by giving them Tone. I’m going cold turkey on this habit, and I will no longer be giving anyone Tone.”

“I am not a perfect person; I am a human being. That means I will not be perfect in my recovery of giving people Tone. Here is what I would like you to do if I accidentally leak my anger on you by giving you Tone: please say “Rubber chicken.”

Why have someone say rubber chicken? Because it’s pretty hard to stay mad at someone when they’re saying rubber chicken. If someone has said something to you with tone and you turn to them smile and say rubber chicken, you get to shift everything. While you were opponents a moment before, now you’re partners who love each other and want only the best for each other.

I dare you to give this a try. I dare you to take the stand with your family, your coworkers and your partner — especially with anyone to whom you have been dropping Tone bombs, as it were.

Whatever we practice we get good at, and we are always practicing something. We are practicing being impeccable with our word, or we are practicing dumping our junk on anybody who happens to be in the vicinity.

If you want more of this kind of discussion, check out our radio show on Real Coaching Radio Network. It’s on every Wednesday at 6 PM PDT.

Blessings,

Vicki

P.S.   Uncle! The spammers have found me!  I have had to discontinue allowing comments on this blog because I’ve been getting up to thirty comments a day from spammers.  I do want to know what you are thinking about these articles, so please email me at vicki@outrageousvisions.com.