© 2006 Vicki Hannah Lein

This poem was born in Africa at an an Association for International Schools of Africa conference.  My institute was titled “Teaching the Dignity of Difference.”  As I explored this issue with the participants, we talked of creating a safe environment to discuss what a true man is.  This poem was inspired by my husband, Murray, and the other men of the conference who embody so much of what this poem is about.

How much good can one good man do?

A lot of good.
One good man,
a man who feels fear yet acts courageously,
creates a contagious positive vibration,
bringing a force of goodness into every room he enters.

One good man,
a man who knows that the means are the ends,
sets a standard of honorable behavior
and invites everyone to join him.

How much good can one good man do?

One good man,
a man who isn’t afraid of fear,
a man who isn’t afraid to love with tenderness,
a man who isn’t afraid to admit he is wrong,–
this one good man creates a chain reaction so powerful
it echoes through generations.

One good man,
a man who teaches boys how to be men
and girls how to be strong,
transforms the ‘battle of the sexes”
into a delightful exploration of cerebral diversity.

One good man can heal centuries of wounds,
breaking the cycles of Poverty,
Ignorance,
Crime,
and Addiction.

One good man,
a Gandhi,
a Martin Luther King,
a Nelson Mandela,
a Donald,
a Murray –

one good man changes the face of the earth forever.

And so does one good woman.

Blessings and Thanks!

Vicki

Jamie Sam’s, in her book Sacred Path Cards, combines Native American wisdom into a deck of cards. It is from these cards I got the phrase “courage to be disliked,” a phrase I used in one of my songs– “Sing My Song.”

I have never turned to these cards and been disappointed. Whichever card I draw, sometimes the same card over and over again, turns out to be just what I need to hear, just the wisdom I need to connect to Great Spirit and surrender to Great Mystery.

One of the cards in the deck is called Shaman’s Death. I won’t go into the history of this ritual, which is included in the book, but I will tell you what the application means to me.

When we are experiencing our own Shaman’s Death, we are asked to let go of everything we think we know. We are asked to be reborn. This process can be painful because we humans are clingers. We like our stuff, whether it’s our physical material goods such as our homes and our favorite chair, or whether it’s cherished beliefs about how life should be.

Right now I am in the midst of the Shaman’s Death. It is unnerving. I would prefer to be having a peak experience, that feeling of being on top of a mountain and seeing all the beautiful vistas and having clarity about who I am and what I’m meant to do in the world and which steps I need to take next.

I will have that glorious feeling again. But not now. Now it’s about letting go. It’s about having Beginners Mind. It’s about approaching being 60 years old, having gray hair and wrinkles, in a time of great turmoil globally, and wondering what it all means.

It’s about having invested a great deal of time, energy, and money this past year trusting Experts. I’ve had a vision of what I’m capable of doing in the world, how I’m being called to serve the world, and I made the decision a year ago to do whatever it takes to manifest that vision.

Because I am the keeper of promises, once I committed to manifesting this dream, once I put my trust in the hands of Experts, I give it my best shot.  But the results have been more like buckshot, as if I accidentally shot in the mirror and it’s all come back at me.  This past year has been one of slow exhaustion physically, emotionally, and financially. There are many entrepreneurs out there who are in the same boat.

I’m not complaining. When we are committed to a spiritual journey, we don’t get to be in charge of how every single moment feels. I guess I don’t believe in the Law of Attraction the way some people do. I don’t believe we can control everything that happens to us, and I don’t believe we’re supposed to be able to control everything that happens to us.

If there’s somebody out there who knows how to do that, please heal our planet, stop all wars and other violence, teach people to listen, stop all ridicule and shaming, and allow women all over the world to develop as fully as they wish.  And, I’d also like more sunny days in Oregon, if that wouldn’t mess up the planet too much.

So right now I’m not sure of much of anything. I’m sure I’m a very lucky person, well loved and well cared for. I have a partner in life who is there for me during the peaks and can give me space to go through these valleys sloppily if necessary. He listens, he understands, supports, gives wisdom, and makes me laugh in the midst of my pity-fullness. I am rich beyond belief.

So what’s in this for you?

I’m trusting Synchronicity right now. I’m trusting that my being willing to write about the yuckier parts of this journey will help other people do the same. I’m hoping other people will say to themselves, “That Vicky! She’s usually so energetic and positive, and yet she has these periods of disintegration and doubt. Maybe that’s a natural part of an authentic journey. Maybe when I feel this way I can trust that it’s okay, or I can trust that I will get through this part and that I’m not the only person who’s ever gone through this.”

Right now my Dinosaur Voice inside me is telling me I’m boring, self-indulgent, narcissistic, and I’m making a fool of myself. “No one will want to know you or be friends with you, or ever hire you as a motivational speaker or as a coach when they know you can feel weak and vulnerable.” If this is true, so be it.

Integrity is a bitch

I made a commitment many years ago to living my life in integrity. I wanted to create a family and give my children what I did not have as a child. I wanted to get a masters degree and learn how to teach people to craft their lives no matter what their circumstances. I wanted to travel the world and get to know people of different cultures. I have done all of this

What is next? How long will this Shaman Death process take? Who will I be when it ends, if it ends?

I don’t know. I do know that when each of us faces another Shamans Death in our lives, when we lose jobs, or our homes, or someone dies, or someone gets sick–when we feel like we’ve been doing everything right and the world betrays us–this is the time we need to hold hands.

If this article is resonating with you, find a hand to hold. You can find it in a book, a song, a friend–you can Google your dream. Please know you are not alone in this process, we’ve never been alone, and you never will be alone. There are plenty of people, including everyone you’ve ever thought completely had it all together, all figured out–everyone goes through this process–or they become an addict to avoid it.

The only way out is through. But we don’t have to do it alone.

Stephen Covey, in his book Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, emphasizes the importance of taking care of the Goose that Lays the Golden Eggs. He says we need to take the time and set the intention to care for what is most precious in our lives. We can’t just look at the production of the Golden Eggs; we need to take care of that Goose.

We kill the Goose when we over-fish, overgraze, over-plant, over-log, overbuild, over eat, and over-busy our lives. The hills of Lebanon used to be covered with a forest of cedar trees. Our oceans used to have 90% more big fish. We have not taken care of our soil, and our food contains a fraction of the nutrients it used to. This not taking care of the Goose isn’t just personal–it’s a global problem, perhaps our greatest global problem.

I believe wholeheartedly that we need to take care of the Goose. I practice it daily. And yet, and yet–it turns out I accidentally killed my Goose.

A Cosmic Oops!

It turns out I’ve been trying to beat the eggs out of my Goose as I was building my business.

I believe I was put on this planet to reach thousands, perhaps millions of people. I believe I’ve been in a Cosmic PhD program for many years now. I have been given assignments from my Angel Committee, assignments designed to teach me to persevere, be grateful, and trust humility and authenticity.

A year ago I made a decision to do whatever it would take to get myself out in the world in the way I feel called to be in the world. I’ve spent a lot of time, money, and effort this last year doing what I thought I needed to do to build relationships and connect with people all over the world.

Instead of tending my sacred Goose, the producer of my creativity, joy, wisdom, and optimism–instead of tending and trusting my Goose, it turns out I’ve been trying to stick my arm up there and grab those Golden Eggs before their time.

I didn’t mean to be doing this. I thought I was Trusting the Universe. I knew that a sense of urgency was stalking me and I didn’t trust the frenzy that seemed embedded in my trying to market my movement, but I thought I was in integrity and having fun as much as possible.

Confession

I now realize I have not been taking good care of myself all these months and I’ve been trying to become someone I’m not. I am not a salesman. Money does not motivate me. I need money to fuel my passion and purpose in this world and I want opportunities to be of service to the greatest number of people.

But I’ve worn myself out marketing three to five hours a day as I was told I must if I wanted my business to be more than a hobby. The Goose isn’t dead really, she’s just stunned and motionless. I will not beat her with a stick to get her up and going again. I will not shame her or me. I will not despair, extrapolating this feeling I’m having right now into the future.

I am going to sit with my stunned, exhausted Goose, and stroked her, and let her know how much I love her. I will not urge her into action; I will wait to hear from her. How long this will take I do not know.

Trusting Everything

I’d been getting feedback from readers that my articles have had perfect timing and have been a comfort. I believe in synchronicity. I believe that my authenticity is not just about me or just for me. I am trusting that my sharing this process, my willingness to pull back the curtain and share what is really going on inside me instead of sharing only the positive part of my journey, is what is called for right now.

I’m sick to death of hype. I’m tired of over eager positive-ness. I’m tired of being told only part of the story when I know the true story of doubt, confusion, and exhaustion that is unspoken in many of the newsletters I receive in my inbox.

What is in this for you?

If you are reading this right now, I believe there is a reason. I believe there is something in you that wants to be known, something in you that is seeking a Voice. Let yourself know what you know and trust that you will be led to the next step.

Maybe you need to rest and stroke your Goose for a while too.

Some of you may be unfamiliar with the Greek myth of Apollo and Daphne. Here’s the short version:  Apollo chases, Daphne runs. The more of  Apollo chases, the more Daphne runs.  this is a simplistic view of the myth, but for my purposes, I’m using this bare bones interpretation.

What does this have to do with marketing? If you don’t know, I can’t explain it to you.

For the last year, I have been trying to market myself with integrity and effectiveness. The integrity part I have nailed. The effectiveness part  I’m still chasing.

For the last year I’ve been in a bit of a frenzy, even though I am committed to having fun every day. For the last year I’ve been Apollo. The more I chase the elusive Daphne/client, the more she seems to run.

Or at least that’s how it’s felt. I have gotten new clients this year. I have gotten speaking gigs. I am writing a weekly e-zine that I am enormously proud of. I am creating what I’m calling Visionary Voice Messages on a regular basis and finding that process meaningful and satisfying.

But still I have been waking up every day feeling chaste as well as being the chaser. This is tremendously unsatisfying and “unfun.”

Since I am committed to Fun, I knew I would figure out a way to live my life and not be in frenzy, overwhelmed and constantly feeling chaste and  exhausting myself by  chasing. Yesterday I figured it out.

Daphne Day

Yesterday I decided to be Daphne. Yesterday I realized that I have been Apollo on crack for the last year and generic Apollo for about eight years before that. I thought I had to be Apollo. I thought I had to be taking action moving, going after. (This feels very mail as I  describe it.) I think that’s what I thought I had to be–male. Or at least I had to “build my business”, which is also more male language, by taking action, pursuing, doing.

But yesterday I decided to stop being Apollo and start being Daphne. I declared  yesterday Daphne Day. I’ve lost myself in this chronic Apollo seeking behavior, and so when I asked myself what I wanted to do I didn’t really know anymore.

But Daphne knows. Daphne knows just what she wants to do. And, as it turns out,   Daphne isn’t running from anything either. Apollo may be chasing her, but she doesn’t care.

Daphne has no agenda except pleasing herself. She doesn’t feel she should or ought to do anything in particular. If she feels like writing, which she feels like doing right now, she writes. If she feels like doing Pilates, she does Pilates. If she feels like staying home and lying in a hammock and listening to a book on tape, she does it.

Daphne doesn’t care if she’s invited to the party because Daphne is the party. If she comes upon a party and it’s fun, she’ll go and stay as long as she feels like it. She doesn’t care if people  notice if she leaves or not.

Daphne doesn’t care about other people’s opinions about her or about anything else for that matter.  Daphne enjoys being herself and feels beautiful all the time. She dances, she giggles, she laughs out loud–and she’s wicked every now and then.

Daphne did the laundry yesterday, and cleaned up the kitchen, and listen to a book on tape, and then didn’t go to Pilates because she didn’t feel like it. Daphne was enormously happy all day long.

She answered e-mail when she felt like it and stopped when she felt like it. She took naps, she talked with friends, she watched So You Think You Can Dance.  she drank a delicious gin and tonic.

Daphne did whatever she wanted to yesterday. I like being Daphne so much yesterday, I decided to be Daphne today too.

My Helping Addiction

Daphne doesn’t care if she helps people or not. If she feels like helping people she will. Daphne doesn’t care what other people are doing. She is busy amusing herself from one moment to the next.  She doesn’t care about outcomes.

Daphne feels beautiful all day long, connected to the world, connected to herself, and is not connected to any Agenda. Daphne is free.

I am so glad to have Daphne as my new best friend. I don’t even know if I like her, but I sure like being her. And I sure trust her when I ask her, “what do you want to do right now, Daphne?” She always knows what she wants to do, and always enjoys what she is doing.

Apollo would try to start a movement here, but Daphne doesn’t care. Oh, the freedom of not caring so much  every single minute about every single thing!

Blessings,

Vicki

P.S.  I love comments, but the spammers are better than the filter for this blog.  You can always email me with your comments, vicki@outrageousvisions.com, and I really appreciate it when you take the time to let me know what you are thinking.

Is it ever okay to divorce a family member–a mother, father, brother sister, or your cousin, aunt and uncles– or even your child?

Yes.

Is this an action to be taken lightly, as an act of revenge or petulance?

No.

Some Vocabulary

I believe that sometimes the healthiest option for all concerned is to fire or divorce a family member.  To do this, it helps to understand why it can be so difficult and why normal methods of talking and compromising don’t work.

Divorcing or firing a family member is a radical solution and should not be done out of anger. But I believe our first commitment is to love ourselves well, so that we can love others well, and love the world well. We cannot love ourselves well or anyone else well if we’re constantly being abused psychologically, physically, or spiritually.

Each of us is like a lovely, unique flower. If we got planted at birth next to a fountain of acid, we will never grow well. We get to replant ourselves into soil that nourishes us, and to the kind of sunlight that makes us grow healthy and strong. Some people are committed to their pathology, bless their hearts. But we can choose whether or not we want to continue to be the object of their pathology.

If you choose to fire or divorce a family member, you can count on being judged and misunderstood, but I can promise you you’re going to feel a surge of energy, relief, and even a giddiness at the new world you have created.  “Free at last! Free at last!  Thank God I’m free at last!” will about sum it up.

To paraphrase Marianne Williamson, “There is nothing enlightened about shrinking under someone else’s ridicule, shaming, bullying or any other form of abuse. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. You’re taking a stand for your being Sacred Space is the best way you can serve the world.”

So, how do you tell if a family member needs to get fired or divorced?

Apples versus Onions

Most people are Apples. They have a core. When you ask them, “How do you think that makes Sally feel?” they go inside themselves, find their empathy, and connect to the human condition. They feel bad for what they have done and want to do what they can to make things right.  They have a conscience.

A few people are Onions. They have no center. How other people feel is irrelevant to them. They are narcissists or sociopaths–other people are characters in their Life Drama in which they are the Star. They care about pain all right–their pain. Their pain is very real and very important. Your pain, on the other hand, is at most an irritation, an irrelevancy.  They have no sense of shame, no conscience.

Onions usually do not change no matter what kind of help they get.  I am always open to the possibility of healing, but to hope for healing in these people instead of protecting yourself from them will keep you in harm’s way, for a lifetime if you allow it.

Borderline Personality Disorder

People who are dealing with Borderline Personality disorder, mostly women, are suffering from a black hole of need in their belly. Nothing is ever enough. If you buy them a nice set of dishes for Christmas, it’s the wrong kind of set of dishes–the wrong color, the wrong style, from the wrong company. Your present, intended to make them feel loved or cared for, actually proves to them that they are unloved. You have failed them again.

But you will always fail them. You can never win. You can accommodate, which only makes them worse, only kindles their voracious need.  But you cannot heal them by pouring your life energy into their black hole.  They will only get angrier at your failure to heal their wound.

It is always everyone else’s fault, never the fault of the person suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder.  They always look outward at the cause of their suffering, never inward.  They throw temper tantrums and make scenes and expect the world to cater to their demands. They can be enormously charming, though, so they get away with it.

People are either wonderful or despicable to someone suffering from this disorder. You can go from being wonderful to being despicable in a heartbeat. We can be with someone who is suffering from a borderline personality disorder and they will feel mistreated by a clerk, a nurse, a gas pump attendant, and suddenly you will be embroiled in a self-righteous screaming display.

Most professional therapists will only take on one client who is suffering from Borderline Personality disorder because they are energy vampires. I know this sounds very harsh and it is, but this is why Energy Vampires get away with sucking the life and confidence out of those they are around.  We have to get very fierce indeed to take a stand for our right to be treated as Sacred Space at all times.

I don’t think anyone wakes up, looks in the mirror, and says, “Today I will be an Energy Vampire.”  But that is what they do and you have a right to not play with them anymore, whether they are a family member or not –especially if they are a family member.

Vicki’s Rules for Protecting Your Sacred Space

#1 If your Sacred Space, your sacred emotional, physical, or spiritual space, is continually violated, even though you have made numerous requests for better treatment, you get to fire this family member. In fact, if you let people practice being abusive and if you let yourself practice being abused, you are doing no one a good turn. What you do matters, and you’re always doing something. If you’re allowing the abuse, you are taking energy away from love, compassion, forgiveness, and appreciation. These latter feelings are what change the world for the better.

#2 If you feel contracted, belittled, anxious, or insecure around someone, you have the right to take yourself out of that situation and consider what action would be best for you to take to protect your Sacred Space.

#3 You do not have to go to anybody’s birthday party, anybody’s wedding, any holiday meal, on any family reunion, or on any vacation just because the people who invited you are family members. You get to choose whether you want to go or not. You get to tell the truth.  You get to say: “Right now the best thing I can do for myself is stay home. I wish you all well. Tell me how it all went when it’s over.”

#4 You don’t have to be clear about why you want to go or why you don’t want to go. You don’t have to explain yourself to anyone. You just get to say “no” period to people who want to bully you into an explanation, or people you get to decide you don’t want to hang around with anymore.

#5 You get to grow up. You get to change. The labels put on you when you’re a child get to be removed. You get to decide whether something is funny or not. The joke is only a joke if no one has to pay for it. If you’re paying for someone else’s joke, it is a thinly disguised act of aggression.

#6 If you feel you have to walk on eggshells around someone, something is terribly wrong. If you are dealing with an Apple, you can tell them, “I’m feeling like I have to walk on eggshells around you.” An Apple will say, “Really? I don’t want you to feel like that! Tell me more.” Someone with borderline personality disorder will probably start screaming at you. Then you’ll know what you are dealing with and you can make choices to protect your Sacred Space.

This is tricky stuff. I have not begun to cover this subject adequately in this article, but I do want to help you entertain the idea that just because someone is a family member doesn’t mean they have a green light to come in and tromp all over your self-esteem, your dreams, and your divinity.

Should I do a teleseminar on this subject? E-mail me and let me know. vicki@outrageousvisions.com

Firing or divorcing some of my family was the hardest and wisest thing I have ever done. I do not regret it for a moment, though sometimes I know I have been judged and misunderstood. Oh, well.

Blessings to you and those you love, whether they love you back well or not,