One of the best compliments I have ever received came from a 13-year-old boy. He told me I had taught him he was the author of his life. “Well, how about that?” I thought. “If somehow I helped him know that his story begins and ends with him, then I am doing something right.”
It is easy to talk about owning our own authority, being the author of our own life, taking full responsibility for who we are in the life we’ve created. It is much more difficult in practice. It is messy, confusing, and sometimes very scary.
Recently I had a chance to practice owning my own authority with some dear, dear friends of mine. I love them and they love me. That is a given. But I had a decision to make, a decision I feared would lose their love and respect. And I wasn’t even sure I was right.
Here is what our conversation sounded like:
“Even though I may be making a big mistake, even though I may have wasted a lot of money, even though I was sure when I signed up for this, even though you may think I’m being a coward, even though you may think I’m avoiding doing the emotional work I need to do — even if all this is true, I still need to say no. I am spinning in a vortex I can’t get out of. I can’t hear myself anymore, and if I can’t hear myself I have nothing.”
Fortunately for me, these are compassionate people, full of integrity. Their response was, “How can we support you?”
“Love me no matter what I decide,” I told them.
“That is a given” they said. I cried.
I was risking my friendship with these two beloved friends and I wasn’t sure I was right about anything. The only thing I knew for sure was that the cacophony and distress in my body was so loud and so distracting, I couldn’t hear the deep wisdom inside me, the voice inside me I have learned to trust completely.
I trust this voice, which I call the Muse, implicitly. When it tells me to sing a song to a group that I’ve never sung aloud to myself, I sing it. When it tells me to sing to a classroom full of third graders about my mother’s death, I sing it. When I put my hands on someone doing Reiki healing, and I get a vision, if they have given me permission, I share my vision, even when it makes no sense to me.
“Do rope swings mean anything to you?” I once asked someone I was giving a shoulder rub to on a rafting trip.
“Are you kidding? When I move into a new home, the first thing I do is put in a rope swing,” she said amazed. We were both amazed. Where does this stuff come from? I don’t know; I have just learned to trust.
This inner voice of wisdom is my authority. If I can’t hear this voice I am lost. When I have done everything I know to do, exercise, meditation, singing, when I have done everything I know to do to bring myself back into alignment, and I am still spinning and crazy, then I know I need to take some kind of courageous action.
I will probably have to risk disappointing people. I will have to risk being misunderstood. I will have to risk being wrong. And I do this because there is nothing else for me to do. Clearing the decks, as it were, so I can hear myself again is the most important thing I can do. This looks like whatever it looks like.
I’m thinking of the comedian Dave Chapelle right now. He was at the peak of his career, and he wasn’t having fun anymore. He left everything and went to Africa to find himself. Many people criticized him. Many people depended on him for employment, and yet he left the craziness of television to go find some place where he could hear himself again.
I saw him on “Inside the Actors Studio” telling his story, and I felt such compassion for him. It was difficult for me to own my own authority on a phone call with two beloved friends. He had to do it in public, in an atmosphere where people love misunderstanding because conflict sells papers.
But I digress. Maybe.
Making the decision to own your own authority is perhaps the most important decision you will ever make. You’re saying to the world, “I am the one who decides for me. I am the one who takes responsibility. I am doing the best I can, and my best has to be enough. I will change my mind if I need to do that later on. But for now, this is who I am, this is how I feel, and this is what I’m going to do.”
Gandhi had hundreds of thousands of people gathered to go on the march, and he changed his mind. “I don’t know the big T Truth,” he explained to his devoted followers, “I only know the small T truth and that small T truth changes as I change.”
Outrageous Visions: See Who You Are Meant to Be can help you clarify the connection between your life and this deeper wisdom, the true authority that lives inside you. At this moment, I am still offering a free 15 minute Play Date with Possibility. If you’re interested in setting up an appointment, contact Sandy Parker at sandy@myefficientassistant.com.
May you speak your truth and own your own authority today and forever,
Vicki