My eye disease comes from a rare genetic disorder. In fact, they can trace the gene mutation back to a family in Ireland. When my mother went blind at age 40, the disease was so rare it was misdiagnosed, and we were told it was not inheritable.
In my mid-30s I started having trouble seeing at night. Then things really got weird. While on a camping trip I looked at my coffee cup and it was no longer round. It looked as if Salvador Dali touched my cup and warped it with his cubist wand.
This began a five-year adventure of laser surgeries, lost vision, terror, divorce, and job loss. And then, one day I woke up and I could no longer read and drive. My central vision left without leaving so much as a note, which I would not have been able to read anyway.
The journey from that day 20 years ago to this day has been transformative. I’ve learned to ask for help, surrender, and be grateful for what I have, instead of yearning for what I’ve lost. I now practice savoring each moment. Going blind set me on a rich spiritual path- One that still chills me to the bone occasionally, such as when I lose all my sight in one eye, even for a moment.
Before my mother died 10 years ago, her vision had worsened until she could barely see. She took prednisone because her carotid arteries were blocked and occasionally, get ready, she would lose total sight. Her biggest fear as she approached her death, was not the pain of bone cancer, or the exhaustion of trying to breathe due to emphysema. Her biggest fear was going completely blind.
I’m calling the doctor on Monday. I don’t want to call the doctor. I do not want to have to arrange the trip to the doctor, or have to sit in the waiting room. I don’t want to take steroids. I do not want to take more tests, expensive tests. But more than that, I do not want to go blind because I’m too stubborn to find out what’s true.
Saying yes to what is
This is an example of being willing to say yes to what is. Or rather, saying yes to what might be. I must be willing, and you must be willing, to face the truth of what is happening. If we avoid the truth of what is happening, we cannot take action to free ourselves or to correct anything that’s gone awry in our lives.
I’m sharing about my temporary blindness because I almost didn’t tell my husband about it. I wanted to pretend that it didn’t happen and crawl under the house so to speak. But what I couldn’t forget, what dogged my thoughts, was the fear that I might be having a stroke. It scared me enough to go to the bathroom and take extra aspirin.
If you’re taking extra aspirin because you think you might have had a stroke, I think it’s a good idea to see a doctor. Even if you’re afraid you can’t hear really bad news.
What about You?
If you are still reading this story, and you are having any thoughts tingling in your brain, it could be a sign you are avoiding something you need to face. The sooner you say yes to what is, the sooner you’ll be free. The more you practice saying yes to what is, the better you get at it.
I’ll let you know what the doctor says in my next newsletter. Let me know if I can help you face anything that’s scaring you.
Follow your bliss or it will stalk you,
Vicki Hannah Lein
PS. The first song I wrote after I lost my central vision was “Gratitude.” It reminds me to be grateful for what I’ve got instead of yearning after what I’ve lost. May the song remind you to do the same.
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