When I was in graduate school getting my Master’s degree in counseling, I took a class where we read an article about the five paragraph essay. The authors of the article tried to find the five paragraph essay in real life. You won’t be surprised to find out they could not find a five paragraph essay in the real world. It is taught all over the country, and is used to assess people’s writing ability to get into college. Yet it does not exist in the real world. What is that all about?
The five paragraph essay is boring to write and excruciating to read but it is easy to assess. It is not real writing. No professional writer gets paid to write a five paragraph essay and no readers voluntarily read one.
I have worked with so many people who didn’t think they could write because they hated writing five paragraph essays. This makes me mad. I belive we can all write and we all have something important to say. Writing keeps us healthy. Writing keeps us sane.
If we have to know how to write a five paragraph essay to succeed in this world, let’s learn how to do it. But let’s not ever call this kind of writing real writing. Since this is a hoop we can’t avoid, let’s jump through it. But let’s have fun jumping.
I have taken my revenge against the five paragraph essay by writing a mock five paragraph essay that, not incidentally, teaches how to write a five paragraph essay while I’m making fun of it. I hope you read it and laugh. I hope you know someone who needs to read this and that my mock essay sets them free forever. Enjoy!
Vicki
Why I Like to Grow Edible Pod Peas (As if You Care)
A Five Paragraph Essay
By Vicki Hannah Lein
This essay in five paragraphs is about why I like to grow edible pod peas. I know I mentioned this in the title, but my grade depends upon my having my thesis sentence be the first sentence of each paragraph, so now the person assessing this essay can check that box. (I’m trying to make grading this paper as easy as possible.) I have three reasons I like to grow edible pod peas because I need three internal paragraphs in order for this to be a five paragraph essay. The three reasons are: (Note the correct use of the colon.) Edible pod peas are easy to grow, nutritious and fun to eat. Hence, I will continue on to the body of my essay on why I like to grow edible pod peas. I cannot guarantee you will remember my three reasons, though by the end of this essay I will have mentioned them four times, but I can pretty much assure you that you will not care about why I grow the peas. I don’t need you to care because you are only reading this because a) you are being paid to or b) you are being coerced into reading this as a peer in order to receive a good grade on this assignment, so you can get a good grade in this class, so you can graduate with a high grade point average, so you can get into Harvard, so you can go to law school, edit the Law Review, get hired by a big corporation, make lots of money, make your parents proud, and live happily ever after. There is a lot at stake here, but I don’t need to remind you of that if you are a classmate of mine; you already know that. (Note the correct use of the semicolon.)
First and foremost, (Note the use of a transitional word. I will start every paragraph from now on with a transitional word, so you can check that box now.) I like to grow edible pod peas because they are easy to grow. They are easy to grow because I can buy a pack of edible pod peas almost anywhere and put them on a plate with a paper towel over them, soak them with water and let them sprout. After they sprout I can put them in potting soil I bought from the same place I bought the pea seeds, put them on a deck in the sun and let them grow. So, as you can see, it is easy to grow edible pod peas. (Note that I proved this first point with three reasons. Is that not beautiful symmetry?)
Second, (I told you I started all paragraphs with a transitional word.) I like to grow edible pod peas because they are nutritious. They are nutritious because they do not contain any high fructose corn syrup which is evil stuff indeed. They are natural, organic, and a green vegetable, and almost no expert thinks it is bad for people to eat a fresh organic vegetable. So, edible pods peas are fun to grow because they are nutritious.
Finally, I like to grow edible pod peas because they are fun to eat. They are fun to eat because they snap when you eat them – a fresh, crunchy sound. (Note the correct use of the dash.) Because no pesticides were used, edible pod peas do not even need to be washed. (Note: I started this sentence with “Because” and even though you may have been taught that you could never start a sentence with “Because,” it is fine to start a sentence with “Because” if you attach this dependent clause to a full sentence. You should know that but one of my professors in graduate school did not know this, hence, I dare to instruct you about the proper use of starting a sentence with “Because.”) You can pick them while standing or sitting out in the sun, munch on them, know you are being healthy and virtuous. This is the ultimate win/win situation.
In conclusion, (We are finally at the conclusion!) I like to grow edible pod peas because they are easy to grow, nutritious, and fun to eat. (Note how I told you what I was going to tell you in the introduction, told you in the body of the essay, and told you what I had told you in the conclusion. I know it would have been hard to forget since I have told you so many times, but this essay is not for the reader. It is for the person who grades the person who writes the laws that demand that all children are tested to death so another politician or his greedy cronies can get rich.) Finally, Reader, I hope you are still breathing after reading this essay and that you may consider, after my most persuasive arguments, growing edible pod peas yourself. (Get yourself a beer. You deserve it after reading this incredibly insipid, but easy to grade, essay.)
Vicki Hannah Lein, hoping this is the last five paragraph essay I will ever have to write.
Good points raised here. Many thanks for that, however my thanks don’t end there. I am color blind (deuteranopia to be precise). I mostly use Chrome browser (unsure if that is of any importance), and many sites are challenging to comprehend thanks to a careless choice of colors employed ithe design. However, here, as the range of colours is sensible, the design is very clear and straightforward to understand. I am not certain if it was a planned and conscious undertaking, or just a happy accident, but you have my gratitude.
[…] my strong feelings about how the five paragraph essay has stolen writing from millions of people. Click here to read my mock five paragraph essay: Why I Grow Edible Pod Peas As If You […]
Very funny. Just what I was thinking. Joined Toastmasters, and the 5-paragraph essay is the core of their program. Inexperienced writers use the format, and it sounds so contrived and silly, but how do you fight City Hall?