What gets in the way of seeing clearly who we are meant to be? Sometimes it’s by being who we think we should be, instead of giving ourselves and others the time and space to find out who we really are. We fill up our lives, our brains, and our hearts with knee-jerk behaviors. Some of those behaviors serve us, and some of those behaviors are so habitual they’re more like compulsions than choices we make.
For example, some of us are compulsive helpers. If someone shares a feeling of anxiety, disappointment, or uncertainty with us, their feeling triggers our own anxiety, disappointment, or uncertainty. We rush in to solve the problem, so we can get rid of our own discomfort.
Example: I got scared the other night when my sweet husband had trouble peeing because he was taking some new medication.
Here Are Some Responses We Might Hear When We Share This Kind of Vulnerable Feeling:
• “Is he taking supplements to help with his enlarged prostate?” or
• “A friend of mine has prostate cancer and you had better get that checked out: or
• “You know if you focus on negativity, you will create more negativity: or
• “All illness is an illusion” or
• “What are you doing for Valentine’s Day?”
Rarely, oh, so rarely are we honored with a blessed silence, giving us time and space to explore our feelings more deeply. Rarely, oh, so rarely, are we encouraged by someone saying, “Tell me more.”
Before I start sounding too self righteous, I must confess that I am not a great listener myself. I have focused on improving my listening for almost thirty years and I am only an Intermediate Listener. Still, I know enough to catch myself before I start micromanaging other people’s problems for them, and before they have asked for my advice, at lease most of the time.
We aren’t being bad when we over help without being asked.
We are, though, missing an opportunity to connect with another human being on the planet. And when all is said and done, our happiness is dependent on this Connection. We can have billions of dollars, literally, and then commit suicide when we lose money. (True story.)
On 9/11 people on the hijacked United flight that crashed in Pennsylvania did not use their last hours to leave memos for work. They called their loved ones to say good bye, and tell them how much they loved them.
It’s all about relationship. And relationship is all about listening. Not solving, just listening.
Action Step
Try this for one day. When someone shares a feeling or a problem with you, take one moment to breathe before you jump in with a solution. Then wait five beats and see if they continue talking. Usually they will. Often if you just shut up and listen, people will come to their own solutions. You may say something like “Tell me more” but discipline yourself to stop from telling them what they should do or how they should think or feel.
Just for one day trust listening.
Let me know how it goes. This is one of these simple, profound changes that could alter all of your relationships, especially your relationship with yourself. When you start listening to others better, you listen to yourself better as well. How cool is that?
When You Listen More Deeply to Yourself, You Can See More Clearly Who You Are Meant to Be.
Shower the people you love with love and love all the people you can,
Vicki