If I were writing an owner’s manual for your child right now, and don’t you wish you had gotten one, this section would be the Shortcut for Tips to Remember. Nothing I write about here will be given its full explanation. Perhaps this will be an outline for a future book.
My intent is to give you some quick, effective strategies for getting your family back on track. You create a vocabulary that is simple and clear. You have a plan. You’ve thought it out and practiced ahead of time. You have back up plans. You have a support plan for someone helping you when you don’t follow through on the plan.
Child raising is challenging and important. Give it ample time and thought. Seek as much help as you would if you were remodeling your kitchen. Do you know how to put in your own plumbing, or granite counter tops? No? Then you would seek help from people who have a lot more experience and more clarity than you have.
Loving Our Children to Madness
Biologically speaking, we are supposed to love our children to madness. We are supposed to be willing, without giving it a second thought, to go under a train to save our child from injury or death. If you aren’t a little crazy, you aren’t doing it right.
But America has a crisis in parenting now. It seems to me that adults have lost the ability to let their children suffer the consequences of their choices. We interfere with natural consequences because we can’t bear for our children to be disappointed and in pain. We are accidentally creating a parentally caused disability: entitlement. Nationally we are creating a generation of children who seek boundaries by increasing their misbehavior. Parents blame the schools when their children get in trouble. Parents of athletes coddle their future NFL stars so much they have a narcissistic sense of their right to do as they please. (Ohio State counters these problems. See The Winners Manual by Jim Tressel.)
Not all parents have lost the will to set limits, of course. But ask any teacher, principal, coach at any level of education if parents have changed in the last twenty years and you will hear a resounding Yes! Too many parents have lost their minds, interfering in job interviews, college professor’s evaluations of their child’s performance, and on and on.
Our Unhealed Childhood
Whatever we do not heal from our childhood, we will pass on to our children. Period. We will parent in reaction to how we were parented unless we do the emotional work that is right there in front of us, staring us in the face. Ignoring our childhood pain or over reacting will create a generation that is not hearty enough to deal with disappointment, nor compassionate enough to stand up for those who are treated cruelly.
Yikes! I am scared and angry, I must admit. Yikes!
Finding the Balance
We tend to make up for the weaknesses of our childhood parenting by going too far the other way to seek a balance. Too authoritarian and uncaring? You will err at being too permissive and let your caring make you stupid. Grew up with too much permissiveness? Rigid authoritarianism in the form of fundamentalist religion or political persuasion is not uncommon.
To balance any unhappiness from our childhood, we need to find the middle where we are loving and firm. We stop talking about misbeaviour and take action without anger. We are grown ups and we make no bones about it.
The Weak Link
The weak link in the following strategies is the adult. Always. We want to be loved. We want our children to be happy and not be disappointed. We want to make up for any loss we had as a child, so we reason, we rescue, we warn, and we are afraid to follow through with consequences.
Adults must be willing to say, when their children are fighting in the car, “I’m not having any fun.” When the children keep fighting and whining, the adult must be willing to cheerfully say, “Game over” and then turn the car around and go home.
Yes, it may be inconvenient. Yes, you may feel your children’s disappointment viscerally. Their disappointment may bring up all your childhood disappointments. Get over it. If you do not get over it, you will pass your fears, weaknesses, and your addictions on to your children.
It is much less expensive in all ways for your children to learn lessons that will serve them throughout their lives when they are two instead of twenty. Your children will keep on pushing until there is a limit. It may be legal or life-threatening unless you are willing to deal with it right now. There is no time to wait and feel good about setting limits for your children. It will take courage to work on your emotional debris. Get help. Do it now.
Our Children Have Too Much
Americans have too much and it is not good for us. Children have way, way too much stuff, and too many fun activities planned by adults. If we aren’t very careful, we accidentally teach our children to be entitled. They deserve whatever they think they want and they deserve it NOW!
We teach them to become “I want” machines, whose sole job is churning out demand after demand. The demands are insatiable and the behavior can get ugly.
What if all your giving is creating a bad case of the ingratitudes? Are you accidentally teaching them to be ungrateful? Are you giving them a “more, more” addiction?
It is our children’s biological job to demand more, push the limits. It is the adult’s job to set limits cheerfully and firmly. That is where security comes from.
Kid Blackmail
Our children know our weak spots and they know how to play them. It’s a form of blackmail. Here are some examples:
- “Give me everything I want no matter how I treat you, or I will move back with my dad.”
- “I’m scared.”
- “I don’t remember.”
- “I’m sick.”
- “It’s unfair!”
- Whining and temper tantrums, especially in public
Not all these statements are manipulative, but if you hear them as a pattern get suspicious. By honoring fear, you can create phobias. Either ignoring it or being curious is a more helpful response than letting your children have too much power.
The Ubiquitous “Okay”?
And while I’m on the subject, stop adding “Okay?” to the end of instructions to your children. “It’s time to go to bed, okay?” teaches your children they are the boss. They are in control. It is their decision whether to go to bed.
Note: Children are not getting enough sleep because many parents have forgotten the concept of bedtime. My kids went to bed at 7:30 pm until they were nine years old. They didn’t have to go to sleep, but they did need to be quiet and not bother me or their dad. After seven-thirty it was adult time. Yes, there was a time until they were about three perhaps, where they might want that drink of water or whatever. But our goal was to wean them of thinking we were at their beck and call. They learned to go back to sleep themselves if they woke up at night.
This is tricky stuff. Our children’s weaknesses can be very powerful. Attention feeds any behavior. Giving lots of attention to weakness can make it grow.
Creating a family that is fun for everyone- most of the time:
Stop
- Talking so much. Your kids already know. They could recite your lecture themselves.
- Allowing your children to talk to anyone, especially you, disrespectfully. Stop it immediately. Whatever we practice we get good at. Do not let your children practice being disrespectful.
- Negotiating. Set a clear rule and then follow it up without negotiating.
- Letting the tail wag the dog. Giving children too much power is bad for everyone.
- Making excuses for bad behavior. “Teenagers are surly. It’s the age.” creates a huge opportunity for teens to practice being surly and sullen. Whatever you expect you will get. Expect gracious, civil behavior and settle for nothing less and that is what you will get.
- Feeling sorry for your children. “I’ll feel so awful if Susie misses that trip to the zoo.” When you let this feeling lead, then little Sue gets to do pretty much anything she wants. She knows you will cave in, no matter how many warnings and threats you have made.
- Warning, threatening, and endless discussions. Set up a plan and then follow it.
Start
- Planning ahead. Get very clear about what you are going to do and what you will do if your children escalate.
- Staying calm and even cheerful when your children misbehave. If you get mad, the focus of their behavior will be on yours instead.
- Admitting your own bad habits, start with just one, and then create a plan to improve. If you have the bad habit, for example, of responding in a normal tone to a child who has just talked to you disrespectfully, you need to address the disrespectful tone before you deal with the content of their request.Bad habit: “Susie, what would you like for lunch?” Susie: “I don’t want to eat any of that salad crap.” Adult: “Okay, then. How about a peanut butter sandwich.”
- Creating a family job list. Have a list of task suitable for each family member posted somewhere. Sometimes, in order to rejoin the Family fun, your child will need some Reboot Time in his or her own room and then will need to emerge graciously and do one of the Family Jobs of their choosing. The jobs should be small- organize one of the shelves in your room or wipe off the washer and dryer or sweep the patio — something they can do without help.
Fun For Everyone: Getting Started
Here is the basic idea: For a family to function well, having fun together needs to be the norm. That is the baseline. I could write a book about this, but for now, trust me. You can have a family that is mostly fun. If you settle for anything less, that is what you will get.
Make these strategies into a game. Practice them ahead of time if you can. Have your children deliberately misbehave and then do Game Over or Three Strikes You’re Out or Foul on the Play. Practice holding up your “Not Now, Wait a Minute” finger. See how quickly they can stop talking. It should be fun.
Answer all their questions while practicing. No more questions or warnings will be allowed once the practice is over. Assure your children that they are smart cookies and they will figure it all out. Note: If you find yourself giving a warning, say “Strike One” about yourself. The consequence you give yourself is none of your children’s business.
Reboot Time in Their Rooms
Tell your children the truth. Their brains need time to process all they are learning. Sometimes when their brains aren’t working well, they just need some time in their rooms by themselves to give their brains a chance to reboot into their gracious, happy selves.
Note: Practicing a Foul on the Play strategy for dealing with sibling disruptions is going to be great fun. You get to let your child know you are onto his tricks. The practicing might look like this: “So, Susie, how would you upset your little brother if you were playing with beads together?” She knows. She might be embarrassed to do it when asked. If that happens you can say, “Well, here is what I’ve seen you do.” and then do it.
This practicing helps the little one learn how to not let his older sister get his goat. He is given an alternative to whining and screaming.
Game Over
When your children are making family life no fun, simply say, “I’m not having fun.” That is the only warning they get. If they don’t immediately, with no negotiating, get back into graciousness, then you say, “Game over.” You pick up the game literally if they are playing one, or leave the room, or drive home from your outing — whatever it takes. You will not have to do this very many times to build your credibility.
Credibility is everything. Once you have it, all your interactions get much, much easier. You have to bite the bullet a few times and be willing to be perceived as the Bad Guy, but this is a very small price to pay when your family’s emotional and physical health is at stake.
Foul on the Play
This is for siblings. As we all know, siblings can be experts at poking a stick in the bicycle wheel and toppling the bike. When you see this say, “Foul on the Play.” Then start counting to ten. The child who has committed the foul must do something immediately to make things right. If they argue, then it’s Game Over for them. They go to their room until they are ready to come out and be gracious. They can read or play with games in their room, but any escalation, such as yelling or screaming or throwing things, will get them a “Strike One.”
Note: It might be fun to have flags you can throw. Perhaps the children could be allowed to throw a Flag on the Play if they can articulate why they are throwing the flag without whining. This would be very empowering.
Three Strikes and You’re Out
Children these days have lots of fun activities scheduled. Adults need to remember that all these fun activities are extras and only happen when children are respectful and responsible. School and school work is their job. Other than that, it’s all gravy. If a child gets three strikes in one day, the next fun thing is out the window. Birthday party, even one you are throwing, is out. I’m not kidding. Cancel a kid’s birthday party? Won’t that scar them for life? Won’t they be disappointed?
Yes, they will be disappointed and you will be giving them a chance to practice being disappointed and getting over it. This is drug and alcohol abuse prevention work. Trust me on this.
They will be disappointed and you will gain enormous credibility. Following through on consequences will be harder on you than it is on them; they will make sure of that.
Not Now. Wait a Minute.
If we allow our children to interrupt adult conversation, we are letting them have too much power. It is a very bad habit. Instead of doing a lot of talking, explaining yet again why they need to wait before interrupting, which means they have succeeded in interrupting, we need to take immediate, silent action that does not disrupt your conversation.
When your child comes to talk to you when you are talking simply hold up one finger.
That lets them know you have heard them and will attend to them when you can. If they keep talking hold up two fingers, that means “Strike one.”
If you get to three fingers, tell whomever you are talking to that you have a family situation you need to attend to.
Then get your kid in his room. In order to rejoin the family, they need to come out with a gracious attitude and do one family job on the list. (Remember you have made a list of age appropriate family jobs your children can do to repay the family for the energy their actions have taken from family harmony. ) It’s a little like “Instant Karma.”
Sample Scenario
If you have told your children about the new game in town and practiced, then these scenarios will have to be played out at some time. Your children will not give up their bad habits without a fight and that is good. Their feistiness will serve them well as adults. Right now they need to learn to be respectful, cooperative, and be at peace when they don’t get what they want.
Scenario: “What would you like for breakfast, Susie?” Note: Make sure your darling knows how to make her own healthy breakfast. This is the Plan Ahead part. What are you? Some kind of short-order cook who takes abuse from her customers? No way! You cook for people who appreciate and make requests graciously.
Susie: “I don’t want any of your crummy oatmeal.”
Adult: “Strike one.”
Susie: “That’s not fair!”
Adult: “Strike two.” (Parent shuts up. This is the hard part.)
Susie: “I hate you. You never make it any fun.”
Adult: “Game over. Go to your room and reboot.” Parent eats her own breakfast or goes somewhere, perhaps to have a bubble bath.
If the child continues to up the ante, say, “Oh. You must be very tired to be acting like this. You need a good long rest in your room.” Put them in their room, give them a book, kiss them sweetly, and get out. No matter what they say do not respond.
Note: You may have to put a lock on their door if they refuse to stay in their room and come out and get whining and demanding again. If this happens, then the choice over whether their door is locked or not is theirs. If they stay in their room, you will not have to lock the door. If they come out, you will have to lock their door.
Be prepared for a giant fit. They may even break their toys. Fine. Do not replace them. This will happen once or twice and then you will be done with it. You have to be the alpha dog.
You must have a bottom line. There must be a line your children cannot cross. If you are unwilling to draw a line, your children will be able to wag the dog and run the show because they know you are unwilling to live with the consequences that seem to cause them distress.
If you can’t bear it now, you will have much more to bear in the future, and it will not be pretty.
Being a parent exposes all our weak spots. That’s good. We must be willing to admit our weaknesses and take action to be stronger. I’ve included three resources that are marvelous. Feeling guilty will help no one. Admit any bad habits you have and then go to work on them. Yahoo!
Nurtureshock by Po Bronson
Be ready to be shocked about the research about praising your child, teenage argumentativeness, sibling toxicity, and more. You will love it!
Parenting with Love and Logic by Jim Fay.
Need tools for parenting that work? Check this out.
Teach Like You Hair’s On Fire by Rafe Squish
Simply the best book about teaching I’ve ever read. I gave this to my son-in-law to help him prepare to be a teacher. Parents will find this book inspiring. You will learn concrete ways you and your school can help raise curious, responsible, successful people.