Imagine this scenario:
You are in a foreign country far away from home. You have no cell phone. You are staying in the guest bedroom of the man who invited you to do workshops. You are legally blind.
Instead of being defensive, you are curious: curious at a time when it would’ve been very easy to be afraid, sad, angry, and mean.
Your heart beat doesn’t go up.
You are full of compassion for yourself and for the man who is so angry at you.
Although you are being attacked, you feel extremely grateful for the moment.
Because I was curious instead of destroyed, I felt stronger about myself and my abilities.
He is very, very angry at you. He has the secret list of all the things you would never want to have anyone say to you. He declares you have lied to him. You are ungrateful. You have tricked him. You have ruined his reputation with 1 billion people. Furthermore, he fires you for being incompetent and boring.
Now imagine this:
Your response is, “Really? Tell me more.”
And, you are grateful that you practice curiosity enough, so that when you really needed it is there for you.
This is a true story that happened to me during a trip to India in 2008. I presented workshops for private schools. The head of one school said I was the best presenter she had ever seen. A military school commander sang and danced with me on stage to school teachers. Another school has since invited me back to present again. At one of the school presentations, however, the response was less enthusiastic than I usually encounter.
Curiosity is emotional grease. Just like trustee WD-40, it keeps things moving. Instead of rust the old patterns of miscommunication, we get to move through a difficult time. It works in all kinds of relationships and in all kinds of situations. It is trustee, dependable, and cheap. In fact, it’s free!
This incident could have been devastating and terrifying. It could’ve corroded my self-esteem forever. Instead, it is a testament to the power of simple curiosity. Because I was curious instead of defensive, he felt heard. Because I was curious instead of attacking, he got to say everything he needed to say. His anger dissipated.
Nobody ever taught me about the power of curiosity in relationship[s. It is so simple and always available. No matter what anyone says to you, you can always meet it with curiosity– abuse excepted. Note: It is never good to accept abuse from anyone. Whatever we practice we get good at. If we practice allowing people to abuse us, that’s not good for the person who’s out of control or for ourselves.
When we are present and open, we can say simply, “Really? Tell me more.” We can practice being curious about what is going on with that person. We are the final judges after all. We get to decide if what somebody says is true or not. People can say whatever they like. We’re too tall, too short, too fat, too loud. We’re too enthusiastic, we wear the wrong clothing, our hair is not right, we’re doing a bad job, we should get a good job, were unsuited for that profession–the list goes on and on and on.
The point is everybody has an opinion. They get to have their opinion, and some people can’t resist telling you their opinion, whether you’re interested in hearing it or not. Bring it on! Think I’m a lousy mother? Tell me more. You think I’m foolish for taking some of my retirement so my husband and I can go to Bali for a year? Tell me more.
What does this have to do with you?
Make a commitment to curiosity. Try it a few times. Catch the feeling of defensiveness in your body, and remember to switch to curiosity. See what happens. The more you practice this, the better you’ll get at it. The better you are at being curious instead of defensive, the more likely you’ll be able to be curious when it can make a big difference in your life.
Here’s to Curiosity, the WD40 for Liberation!