“I didn’t feel listened to at our meeting,” I said when asked for feedback.
“Now you are being defensive,” was the response I received.
This isn’t exactly what happened, but it is close enough to exemplify one of the biggest roadblocks to knowing who we really are and who we are meant to be: listening well to ourselves and others.
Deep Listening is an Art
It takes more energy to listen than to speak. We do our best listening when we listen with a kind of soft focus, concentrating on understanding deeply who the other person is. We are not looking for solutions or responses — we are seeking first to understand. (See Seven Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey.)
When we listen deeply, instead of “Not Talking, Waiting For Our Turn,” we open ourselves to be influenced by another person’s molecules. We allow ourselves to be affected by another human being’s experience of living on this planet. We let another person inside us, letting ourselves experience their world for a moment as they experience it.
Listening, deep listening, then, is scary stuff. If we deeply listen to another we will be changed. Notice I said will be changed, not might be changed.
We will be changed because we have received an experience of being someone else, and receiving is much more valuable than giving. When we give money or services, we are in control, just as when we give solutions instead of listening. We are outside observers, safe, and looking at a situation from the outside. We are Being Good and Strong and In Control.
We expect the person who receives our advice, or “gift,” to take it in and be grateful. If they quibble with our advice, we assume they are being defensive.
What to Do When You Hear: “I don’t feel listened to.”
Do not say, “You are wrong! I am too listening! You are the one who is not listening!”
Instead, get curious. Say, “Tell me more.” Do not tell them they are wrong, that you are a very good listener indeed, and anyone who does not feel you are listening is simply wrong.
Get curious and stay curious. You are not saying you agree with anything the person is saying. You are just going to stay in listening mode until the other person feels deeply understood.
You will be amazed when you try listening this way. I promise you can shift any conversation by stepping into Deep Listening. It’s fun, once you get the hang of it, and it is much more satisfying than being right. (Though, Lord knows, I still love being right way too much!)
Listening: A Lifelong Skill
I’ve been working on improving my listening for over thirty years and I consider myself an Intermediate Listener. Most people though are not even Beginners; they are not even seeking to first understand. Most of us seem to be saying, “You listen to me first!” There isn’t even “and then I will listen to you.” We want to be heard and understood. Period.
If we do not know how to listen to others, we usually are not very good at listening to ourselves, to that deeper, wiser part of ourselves. When we don’t listen to ourselves and others very well, we keep stumbling over the same old rocks in the road. Poor listening clouds our vision. Did you hear the irony there?
How about that?
Want to talk about listening?
Contact me at vicki@outrageousvisions.com.
Shower the people you love with love and love all the people you can.
Vicki
Vicki Hannah Lein, Outrageous Visions: See Who You Are Meant to Be, is an international motivational speaker, singer/songwriter, and Coach for Aliveness. Check out her website, www.outrageousvisions.com, and sign up for her free five minute survey to help you see who you are meant to become.