- What can we do when were afraid something might be true?
- What can we do when we wake up full of fear with the feeling of dread in our bellies?
- What can we do when we wake up feeling totally incompetent and we have to go to work the next day and look like we deserve our status and pay?
I found the answer to these questions last week. I was teaching a workshop for teachers called Discipline with the Brain in Mind. I love teaching this workshop, I’ve taught this all over the world, and it’s usually days of bliss.
This year I only had seven students, seven dedicated educators who are taking the time out of their lives to learn whatever they can to do a better job helping students discover the joys of learning, believe in themselves, and overcome any obstacles that come their way.
As I said, this is one of my favorite things to do, so it was with some surprise that I woke up in the middle of the night, 4 AM to be specific, and felt fear and dread.
Fear and dread? What was this? I love teaching this class! What’s this fear and dread that is attacking me and threatening to ruin one of my favorite classes? I did not want to feel fear and dread, but the truth in my body, and our body never lies, was that I was feeling fear and dread. I did not want to go to class the next day.
I had a choice to make here. Fear and dread was knocking on my door wanting to get in and I felt sure, as I was huddled in the fetal position in my bed, that it was threatening to ruin my teaching career.
Here are the choices I had at that moment:
- I could have tried to insulate myself from what was knocking on my door and not hear it. Been there, done that.
- I could have pretended I wasn’t hearing the knocking at the door, wasn’t feeling the fear and dread in the pit of my stomach, and gone to class the next day and tried harder. I’m very good at what I do, and I’m fairly confident I could have fooled everyone into thinking I was secure and competent. I would have worked myself to a frazzle, and would have known that something was wrong, though they might not have known what was wrong. I would have been pretending instead of being present.
- I could open the door and let that “horrible” truth come in and tell me what was going on. In short, I could get curious about the knocking at the door instead of trying to ignore it or pretend I am someone I’m not.
Been There, Done That
For many, many years of my life, I ignored the knocking at the door. This is why I had a chronic anxiety disorder in my 20s and into my early 30s. I was afraid of the truth, afraid that I would find that I was a disgusting human being and unworthy of being loved.
When I was about 32, I got tired of being afraid all the time and decided I would make a commitment to being a little braver every day. Whatever you practice you get good at, and I was tired of practicing being a coward. Since that fateful day almost 38 years ago, I have been getting a little braver every day.
But this getting-a-little-braver-every-day business means exactly that — getting a little braver every day. I don’t get to ever check the box that says, “You are Now Brave Enough.” Am I going to show up as I am, as I truly am, or am I going to try to hide behind some facade of competence? I answer this question regularly.
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