Jamie Sam’s, in her book Sacred Path Cards, combines Native American wisdom into a deck of cards. It is from these cards I got the phrase “courage to be disliked,” a phrase I used in one of my songs– “Sing My Song.”
I have never turned to these cards and been disappointed. Whichever card I draw, sometimes the same card over and over again, turns out to be just what I need to hear, just the wisdom I need to connect to Great Spirit and surrender to Great Mystery.
One of the cards in the deck is called Shaman’s Death. I won’t go into the history of this ritual, which is included in the book, but I will tell you what the application means to me.
When we are experiencing our own Shaman’s Death, we are asked to let go of everything we think we know. We are asked to be reborn. This process can be painful because we humans are clingers. We like our stuff, whether it’s our physical material goods such as our homes and our favorite chair, or whether it’s cherished beliefs about how life should be.
Right now I am in the midst of the Shaman’s Death. It is unnerving. I would prefer to be having a peak experience, that feeling of being on top of a mountain and seeing all the beautiful vistas and having clarity about who I am and what I’m meant to do in the world and which steps I need to take next.
I will have that glorious feeling again. But not now. Now it’s about letting go. It’s about having Beginners Mind. It’s about approaching being 60 years old, having gray hair and wrinkles, in a time of great turmoil globally, and wondering what it all means.
It’s about having invested a great deal of time, energy, and money this past year trusting Experts. I’ve had a vision of what I’m capable of doing in the world, how I’m being called to serve the world, and I made the decision a year ago to do whatever it takes to manifest that vision.
Because I am the keeper of promises, once I committed to manifesting this dream, once I put my trust in the hands of Experts, I give it my best shot. But the results have been more like buckshot, as if I accidentally shot in the mirror and it’s all come back at me. This past year has been one of slow exhaustion physically, emotionally, and financially. There are many entrepreneurs out there who are in the same boat.
I’m not complaining. When we are committed to a spiritual journey, we don’t get to be in charge of how every single moment feels. I guess I don’t believe in the Law of Attraction the way some people do. I don’t believe we can control everything that happens to us, and I don’t believe we’re supposed to be able to control everything that happens to us.
If there’s somebody out there who knows how to do that, please heal our planet, stop all wars and other violence, teach people to listen, stop all ridicule and shaming, and allow women all over the world to develop as fully as they wish. And, I’d also like more sunny days in Oregon, if that wouldn’t mess up the planet too much.
So right now I’m not sure of much of anything. I’m sure I’m a very lucky person, well loved and well cared for. I have a partner in life who is there for me during the peaks and can give me space to go through these valleys sloppily if necessary. He listens, he understands, supports, gives wisdom, and makes me laugh in the midst of my pity-fullness. I am rich beyond belief.
So what’s in this for you?
I’m trusting Synchronicity right now. I’m trusting that my being willing to write about the yuckier parts of this journey will help other people do the same. I’m hoping other people will say to themselves, “That Vicky! She’s usually so energetic and positive, and yet she has these periods of disintegration and doubt. Maybe that’s a natural part of an authentic journey. Maybe when I feel this way I can trust that it’s okay, or I can trust that I will get through this part and that I’m not the only person who’s ever gone through this.”
Right now my Dinosaur Voice inside me is telling me I’m boring, self-indulgent, narcissistic, and I’m making a fool of myself. “No one will want to know you or be friends with you, or ever hire you as a motivational speaker or as a coach when they know you can feel weak and vulnerable.” If this is true, so be it.
Integrity is a bitch
I made a commitment many years ago to living my life in integrity. I wanted to create a family and give my children what I did not have as a child. I wanted to get a masters degree and learn how to teach people to craft their lives no matter what their circumstances. I wanted to travel the world and get to know people of different cultures. I have done all of this
What is next? How long will this Shaman Death process take? Who will I be when it ends, if it ends?
I don’t know. I do know that when each of us faces another Shamans Death in our lives, when we lose jobs, or our homes, or someone dies, or someone gets sick–when we feel like we’ve been doing everything right and the world betrays us–this is the time we need to hold hands.
If this article is resonating with you, find a hand to hold. You can find it in a book, a song, a friend–you can Google your dream. Please know you are not alone in this process, we’ve never been alone, and you never will be alone. There are plenty of people, including everyone you’ve ever thought completely had it all together, all figured out–everyone goes through this process–or they become an addict to avoid it.
The only way out is through. But we don’t have to do it alone.