It’s November and Thanksgiving and other holiday gatherings are fast approaching.  In my next several newsletters, I will deal with the issue of what to do when you know you need to do something, but you do not know what to do.  In other words, I will be writing about Radical Kindness Warrior training.

I mentioned the book I am writing to my Zumba Toning trainer yesterday , and she told me a story.  Everyone seems to have a story when I bring up this topic. Here is her story:

When she was two her family gathered for Thanksgiving.  Her Uncle Ted, as I will call him, proceeded to drink too much and then sent himself on a mission to attack everyone individually. When he commented on her mother’s handmade dress, Jane, as I will call my trainer, had had enough.

“Shup up and eat your turkey!” she commanded, and the family exploded in riotous laughter.  Little two year old Jane had said what everyone else wanted to say but didn’t know how.

I would add that one turkey at the table is enough.

Here is an excerpt from my book Radical Kindness Tips for the Well-Intentioned But Ill-Prepared . Well, I’m still working on the title, but you see what I’m getting at. As always, I would love to know what you think.

Radical Kindness Tip #3: 

Knock Something Over

You are at Thanksgiving dinner and Uncle Ted is about to launch into a racist joke.  You can see that Aunt Minnie is waiting for an opening to comment on your thighs, as she usually does. What are you to do?  You do not want to shame anyone or create a scene, yet you absolutely cannot allow racist jokes to be told in front of you and in front of the children.

What can you do?  The answer: once again, is distraction, distraction, distraction.

You know you need to shift the energy, move the focus.  You need to do something, anything, to break into the telling of the racist joke and the compliant listening to the joke. To get away with it, you have to look innocent.   You are “accidentally” knocking a chair over, dropping a book on the floor, dumping the contents of your purse on the ground.

“Oh, my!” you cry. “How clumsy of me!  Shelly, would you help me pick this mess up?”  Make a fuss.  “Does anyone see my lipstick?”  Have fun.

Perhaps you can talk with Uncle Ted later in private.  “Uncle Ted, dear, I know you mean no harm.  You need to stop telling racist jokes. They aren’t funny. They are cruel.  They perpetuate hate and the world has enough hate.  Next time you start to tell a racist joke, I will leave with my family.  We’ll drive home and that will be the end of this Thanksgiving dinner for us.”

Okay, so you probably are not going to be able to say all of this to Uncle Ted in one sitting.  But you can move toward this. At some point you need to take a stand against racism, homophobia, sexism, and cruelty of all kinds.

Until you are ready to take it on, head on, knock something over.

Other ideas:

Pretend you lost a contact.  “Oh, no!” you cry.  “My contact fell out!”  You drop on all fours to the ground and begin looking.  “Could you please help me?  I just bought these!”

Have fun with this one.  Start patting the feet of the people you are trying to distract.  You do not need to wear contacts to use this ploy, but if you are wearing glasses, it will probably not work.  Or maybe it will work perfectly.  You will have made your point.  Remember to smile.

Note: Your intervention has to look like an accident, otherwise you may get confronted, and a confrontation is the last thing you want.

Practice looking innocent in the mirror.  You can do it.  You did it for years when you were a kid.  If you have children, ask them to practice with you.  This could be a great family bonding moment.  You might even share with them why you are practicing looking like butter would not melt in your mouth.

Never, never, never make the situation worse.

Always, always, always do something to stop cruelty

The Worldwide Cruelty is Not Cool Campaign is gaining momentum.  For now I’m gathering people through this newsletter, but soon I will have a site devoted to this movement.

The time is ripe!  The world is ripe for change. I’m hearing about all kinds of campaigns to stop cruelty and increase kindness.  Here is a song I wrote to help you remember to keep on keeping on:  The World is Ripe for Change.

I’m adding humor and humility to the movement.  We have all been bullied and we have all bullied others.  Shaming people does not help them change.  If we think of someone as our enemy, our wish is granted.

When we unmask cruelty and hatefulness, we will always find a wound.  Always.  We must tend to our own wounds so we do not hurt others, and we must listen deeply to others to help heal their wounds. That is how we break the cycle of pain.

We must do this with kindness and firmness.  Respect, a tender respect, is essential at all times.  Easy to do?  Nope, just essential if we are to start solving our problems and stop calling each other names.

Incivility is Not Cool

Hate is cruel and cruelty is not cool; therefore, hate is not cool either.

It’s logic.  Look it up.

Imagine this:

You are at some political gathering.  One of the speakers calls the other speaker a name, or speaks with contempt, or is hateful in any way.  The politician may be on the same side as you are, fighting for what you deeply believe.

Still, because you believe cruelty is not cool and incivility is a form of cruelty, you start singing “Happy Birthday.”

The entire crowd joins in.  Reporters are stunned. What is going on?  Why are all these people, Democrats, Republicans, and Anarchists, singing “Happy Birthday?”

You are seeing Radical Kindness Warriors at play for civility.  They are demanding it with a smile and a song.

Eureka!  The world is transformed in an instant!  The politicians start actually listening instead of yelling at each other.  Common ground is sought and found.  Creative solutions are hatched before our very eyes.

Want to add your ideas to the campaign?  Just reply to this newsletter or share it with your friends.

Still getting a little braver every day,